Kira Ryder: Blog of a Yogi

Formula One Drivers Stand On One Leg with Eyes Closed

2010-02-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

I am married to a former race car driver, so I end up knowing more about racing than I might otherwise. In this article one of the coaches, Nick Harris, shares some of their training techniques. His insight into balance and the use of the eyes is pretty cool.

We go behind the scenes of an F1 driver work-out

By Ben Barry

26 February 2010 09:38

In the March 2010 issue of CAR Magazine you might have read about yours truly flailing around helplessly in the Williams F1 gym. My pain and suffering was all down to Nick Harris, F1 exercise physiologist and Human Performance Engineering founder.

Harris is 36, graduated from Cardiff university with a degree in sports science, and started his career at Jackie Stewart Racing in 1999. These days he doesn’t just train Williams drivers Nico Hulkenberg and Rubens Barrichello – after he destroyed me he caught a plane to Australia to coach AC/DC ahead of the band’s world tour, and he also works with golfers and has recently released his own range of sports clothing –trick T-shirts that are treated with silver to kill live bacteria; compression tops that help muscle recovery post-workout.

Here are a few of his insights into the world of F1 fitness…

• ‘Compared with the last ten years, 2010 we’ll see the greatest emphasis on the driver. There used to be launch control, traction control and more testing, and all that has been phased out. This year they’ll start with heavy fuel, which means drivers will be subjected to lower g due to the higher weight and lower speeds, but it’s mentally more of a challenge because they’ll need to manage the brakes, tyres and fuel.’
• ‘You need to be a Jack of all trades in F1 – swimming, rowing, biking, running, hiking; you need to be flexible and mobile. When a driver gets into a car he never knows what stresses will be placed on his body.’
• ‘The brain is more important in F1 than the heart and lungs. We work on stabilising the spine, so that the messages from the peripheral nerves can move easily up the spine and into the brain. We also focus on core stability, getting the muscles working synergetically’
• ‘We work a lot on the cerebellum – the hard drive of the brain. A simple test of its effectiveness is to stand on one leg with your eyes closed. Most people can’t do that, but an F1 driver should be able to do it for minutes. Using your eyes just to balance isn’t the best use of their functionality; we need that to be automatic, so that the eyes can take in the information that is important to a race. It’s like taking the brain from 1meg to 10meg broadband. We do all kind of protocols to work on the cerebellum, but standing on one leg with your eyes closed is both a good test of its effectiveness and a way of training it.’
• ‘We focus on developing both mental and physical capacity. Training above 90% is uncomfortable, but, chemically speaking, amazing things happen in the brain and there’s a high-level of adaptation – the body responds and develops very quickly. A 30-minute high-intensity workout can be better than a five-hour workout at a lower pace.’
• ‘The brain uses 75% of blood glucose, so you need to keep blood-sugar stable and condition the muscles so they don’t try to get more of it. If the blood rushes to other muscles you can get hypoglycemia and the brain deteriorates – not great when you need to make pressured decisions at 200mph.’
• ‘There are a lot more races in very hot climates these days. Combine that with race overalls and the heat of the car and it becomes like an oven. Heat is a big limiting factor for drivers; that’s why we’re just back from Malaysia doing protocols outdoors in race overalls in 40 deg C heat.’
• ‘In the early part of race-week we focus on the key elements of that race – perhaps it’s an anti-clockwise track so there’ll be more stresses on the neck; perhaps it’s going to be very hot. Then it’s a couple of days of recovery. Drivers need to eat plenty of minerals – race circuits are not healthy places – and complex vitamins including fruit and veg; they need high energy, slowing releasing carbs like potatoes and rice; and they need proteins, especially plenty of Omega 3 which reduces inflammation and is good for concentration. We also try to keep fat levels to a minimum, but I don’t ban anything – that just creates craving.’

Field Notes from the San Francisco Yoga Journal Conference 2010

2010-02-05T17:24:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't believe how much fun I had last weekend up in San Francisco at the Yoga Journal Conference. I learned many things, not necessarily in this order:

1. That deodorant that may kill you really works.
On Day 1, Debbie confirmed that my natural paste was not doing the trick. She lent me her aluminum rich Secret and one pass lasted the rest of the weekend.

2. How do we teach without pushing off of another system.
Communication is such a mystery, but the reliance of comparison to make a point always shrinks the information.

3. I am in love with Angela Farmer and Victor van Kooten is pretty cool too.
I took 2 classes with Angela and Victor and one with just Angela.
Ganesha's Seat, Inner Voices and Nadi Sodhana. The links will take you to extensive notes, video and photos.

4. The male patriarchal system is alive and well in the yoga community and there is an effort to nurture the word 'Guru' back into our hearts.

5. The food in San Francisco is really really good.

6. Tias Little is sharing the unwinding modalities like Feldenkrais in his classes. I really like this.
In both his Unwinding the Neck and Unwinding the Back, he offered simple rhythmic patterns to help the body get unstuck.

7. Knowing all the details about how the breath works makes it even more magical.
Roger Cole's course, Breathing: Physiology and Practice was supremely geeky. I love yoga nerds.

8. The nice people at Yoga Journal work really hard to produce a stellar product that is helping to spread the messages of Yoga.

9. It is surprising when people look just like their head-shots.

10. I have met a lot of great people through Facebook.

11. Learning is an art.
The last time I was at a YJ Conference I was struggling with the dual feeling of "I suck" and "I am better than everyone here." This makes you miserable and closes you up to learning anything. This time I sat up front in every class putting myself at the feet of my teachers, introduced myself to my mat mates, socialized and went out at night. I followed my intuition at every turn, making small leaps towards eventually saying yes when Ashley from YJ asked me to teach at their HQ on the Wednesday after the conference.

12. Debbie will always choose the bright color.
Getting dressed in the morning, I had 3 GFs to check my clothing choices. I am so grateful to Uschi and Catherine for ensuring that I looked great. I love BeyondYoga, Mixie and LuckyUschi.

13. Transmission.
More happens when the relationship is correct than hours of words.

14. My Pelvic Floor is uncharted territory.I took an immersion with Leslie Howard called on the Female Pelvic Floor, about 8 hours worth of information. She is awesome and her work is very important. The main homework assignments were a)Talk to your girlfriends b)Self Massage, c) Do the exercises given. I have not written out my notes yet, but I recommend taking her workshop.

15. I have a lot of good friends who live up north and I might try to make it up there more often.

16. Sebastapol is beautiful.
After the conference, I visited my good pals Marc and Mary. They live on a chicken, lamb and pig farm. I did farm chores one morning.

17. I love Ojai.
I am a country mouse and I love the magical valley where I live.

It could happen any time

2010-01-14T22:00:00.000-08:00

I am looking at today's pictures from Haiti.

The troubles I have suddenly seem so easy.

Edward Espe Brown sent out this poem today.

Yes

It could happen any time, tornado,
earthquake, Armageddon. It could happen.
Or sunshine, love, salvation.

It could, you know. That's why we wake
and look out -- no guarantees
in this life.

But some bonuses, like morning,
like right now, like noon,
like evening.

~ William Stafford ~

For Ashley

2009-12-10T20:59:00.001-08:00

Pictures of the Day

2009-11-27T20:38:00.000-08:00

The pictures of the day today in the NYT were of particularly stark in contrast.

Perception

2009-11-16T07:41:00.001-08:00

Read this short article, "Missed Kicks Make Brain See Smaller Goal Post," by Hadley Leggett.

It turns out that our brain actually starts to perceive things differently as we succeed or fail. Kickers who made the field goals started to see the goal posts and gigantic and wide apart. Kickers who missed the goal started to perceive the goal posts as narrower and taller, making the task even more difficult each time.

So, while the minds role in success might not be news, but the discovery of the measurable ocular shift stunned the Science community.

Bert and Ernie Rapping

2009-11-15T08:33:00.001-08:00

I came to this while reading Sarah Lowe's latest post on the Yogery. She linked to this site, which lead me to this:

Moving Windmills

2009-10-03T17:06:00.000-07:00

Read this story now.
http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2009/10/kamwamba-windmill/

It's about a boy named William Kamkwamba in Malawi building a windmill to power a lightbulb in his bedroom so he could read at night.

The windmills are changing the course of history in his hometown and across Malawai.

Then, watch the video. (But read the story first).

Find Me

2009-09-28T16:29:00.000-07:00

Avalanche Skier POV Helmet Cam Burial & Rescue in Haines, Alaska from Chappy on Vimeo.

A long stretch of this video is experiencing being buried under snow. It is mostly blueish and sounds like white noise. Keep watching. His digging out is amazingly moving and emotional.

I lifted this description from NewTeeVee:
The video, posted by Vimeo user Chappy, was captured in April 2008 by a customer on a heli-ski trip in Haines, Alaska. (”Chappy” was snowmobiling nearby that day, he writes on Vimeo, though some of his group rode the same helicopter as the skier caught in the avalanche.) The skier fell 1,500 feet in 20 seconds, but escaped without broken bones. He was saved by his right glove, which flew off as he was falling and led the rest of his group to where he was buried.

I Trust You

2009-09-28T16:23:00.000-07:00

I wept when I saw this. I am not usually into acro yoga and the like, but something about her total wrapping and trust of him to support her rang a longing deep within my soul.

Obamas Pose Couples from around the Wold

2009-09-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

This is really funny to see:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/26/the-obamas-many-double-da_n_300970.html?slidenumber=0#slide_image

The Miracle of Insight

2009-09-14T12:04:00.000-07:00

(I also posted this on Teaching Yoga this morning).

Details continually flow together to set us up for insight.

The latest insight involves relaxing in handstand to allow the weight come down through the arms, softening the Levitor Scapulae.

This comes from a river of recent and long ago encounters:

I was inspired to start geeking out on the shoulders again after reading an article by Doug Keller.
I was lead to the article by a dialogue on Facebook in which Doug said, "An honest student is 1000 times more valuable to you ... than a strong-willed and persuasive teacher; we parrot our teachers, but learn from our students."
I went to LA over Labor Day Weekend to study with Doug at The Hub.
On Saturday we spent time with the Doshas and Assessment. On Sunday we spent 4 hours on the shoulders and 2 hours on History of Yoga Philosophy.
One of the main pieces I took from the workshop was the practice of relaxing the levitor scapula in down dog, pinca mayurasana, sirsasana and
A client on Saturday had the insight that she was not allowing her legs to hold her up...that she did not trust them for support. She created the opening for me.
I watched a video wtih Patricia Sullivan from Crib 07 explain that the Sacrum is like the Keystone of the Arch for the Legs.
On Friday I was practicing Handstands. I imagined the architecture of the arch. I felt the region of the levitor scapula as a triangle like the sacrum. I allowed it to be the keystone and I relaxed and all of a sudden I got the dopey easy gooey feeling and I was balanced.
On Saturday I tried to share this insight, it was not communicated.
I practiced some more on Sunday, baking the feeling in more. And drawing from the Rivers of Schiffmann's Heavy Hand Down Dog and Heavy Shin distance from Wall Techniques. Feeling that sense of trusting my arms.
On Monday, this morning, W. got it and hung out in her handstand in a whole new way.

Delightful!

This mystery is continually conspiring to reveal itself. We just have to open our eyes and look.

Is that Me?

2009-08-26T14:08:00.001-07:00

I was excited to see myself on the "cover" of YogaJournal.com this morning. I went there cuz my pal Jackie tipped me off to an article about dreaming.

The Home Practice piece ran last year in the magazine and must have been re purposed for the site this week. It's always a good sign when you don't gag at your own past incarnation, but this is the risk we take when we decide to "publish."

At Lulu Bandha's we film every class I teach. I regularly produce yoga shorts we call N'cest-ce pas? The first incarnation of these, Home Sweet Home, are available on YouTube. I share longer practices we call Abhyasa and several past Ojai Yoga Crib workshops are filmed and waiting to be produced.

What we are teaching changes all the time. While there are certain themes that we find ourselves coming back to over and over again, how we are "packaging" them depends on more factors than we could even imagine. In fact the way we are teaching something might sound like it's totally the opposite than a year ago, even though it's pointing at the same idea.

The techniques of yoga are as varied as the people teaching them. And those people teaching are changing every moment. The people taking the class are changing all the time. Communication is a mysterious miracle. All time people come up to me saying they loved when I said, "xyz" in class when I never said anything close to "xyz." You cannot control what people take from your class, so give up now.

My identity as a yoga teacher is not up to me. What I end up teaching that day always depends on who shows up. And while I get excited about certain concepts and themes and ways of working, I have to be willing to drop all of that if it is not going to meet the person in front of me.

I love my job. I am incredibly grateful. Thank you.

Chaos

2009-08-19T16:57:00.001-07:00

"The moment you come to trust chaos, you see God clearly. Chaos is
divine order, versus human order. Change is divine order, versus human
order. When the chaos becomes safety to you, then you know you're
seeing God clearly."

- Caroline Myss

Favorite Wanderlust Tweet Today

2009-07-24T23:02:00.001-07:00

The Ocean

2009-07-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

It's so easy to forget how simple it can be to feel better.

I finally went swimming in the ocean yesterday.

And everything feels new.

Open Lists

2009-06-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

My "Do To" Lists have changed.

There are still big square boxes with scrawl only I can read, but instead of actions like "organize," "design," "produce," and "figure out," next to most of my tasks, I am writing the words "Open To."

"Open to Yoga B Side," "Open to the Organizational Structure of Lulu's" and "Open to being in Mexico Next March," are the some of the tasks mixed in with the more obvious, "Pay the Water Bill" and "Call Kari."

I had not even noticed that this was happening until tonight as I was going through a stack of lists and consolidating the items into the Master Catcher List. But I like it. It seems more accurate. Cuz goodness there is way too much to do to actually get it all done. And yet what needs to get done always seems to and what doesn't usually wasn't supposed to.

It's a wonderful feeling to start to not be in charge of everything.

My Fantasy Relapse

2009-04-04T18:11:00.000-07:00

Great short piece in the NYT today about sobriety by Sacha Z. Scoblic, "My Fantasy Relapse."

Where the Wild Things Are

2009-03-31T07:49:00.001-07:00

David Whyte Poem

2009-03-25T19:48:00.000-07:00

This poem was posted on my Blog on YogaJournal as a comment to "How am I?" by a woman named "Jax".

those who will not slip beneath
the still surface on the well of grief
turning downward through its black water
to the place we can not breathe
will never know the source from which we drink,
the secret water, cold and clear
nor find in the darkness glimmering
the small round coins
thrown by those who wished
for something else.

- david whyte

LeBron James Does Yoga

2009-03-24T09:01:00.000-07:00

My husband is a basketball nut. During the NBA Championship Tournament two years ago, I learned that I was easier to become a fan then to resist. It is March Madness again, the college tounament, and with the ability to have games online and on the televevision, sometimes I feel like I live in a sports bar. But when you start to know the players and their stories, the emotional connection draws you in.

I had heard that LeBron James of the Clevland Caveilers did yoga, but this story released this morning sealed it. Some exerpts:

"Yoga isn't just about the body, it's also about the mind, and it's a technique that has really helped me," James said. "You do have to focus because there's some positions that can really hurt you at times if you aren't focused and breathing right."

Two weeks ago, for example, he flipped backward over his neck chasing a loose ball in Phoenix. It looked like he might have hurt himself doing it, but in reality it was sort of like the Salamba Sarvangasana, or shoulder stand, he'd worked on a day before.

"It is something that really can help your balance," James said. "I had some lower back problems a few years ago, and once I started to do the yoga, it has helped them go away for now. Of course, we can stretch, but stretching only goes so far."

"I've been blessed with a lot of physical talent and a strong body," James said. "I have focused on working hard to maximize those gifts."

Say OM as you fly up for that tomahawk jam!

How am I?

2009-03-15T17:39:00.001-07:00

My practice over the last few days has been to ask "How am I?" without answering. To allow the pebble of the question to drop into my lake and feel the effect of the ripples.

"How are you?" is a question that is so casually thrown about. And when you have not really asked it of yourself, it is easy to reply, "Great" most of the time.

These days, I am not "great." But I have not found a way to communicate this easily while passing another in the produce section of the grocery store. The risk of being asked to dredge through the details is too immense. And being asked to feel better is even more difficult. Mostly I try to bounce the question back quickly, and usually others seem happy to answer instead. Because it is not as simple as replying, "terrible." In fact the play of opposites is what makes the question almost impossible to answer.

I have never been "worse", but I have never been so aware and tender. And I am weeping for the first time in my life. The radical opening that is taking place is what I have been praying for. But deeper truths are an acquired taste, and I have been willfully limiting mypalette for a long time. The saltiness of my tears is slowly becoming familiar.

Hold Me

2009-03-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, while practicing with Patricia Sullivan, she wrapped a strap all the way down my legs. My nervous system breathed a sigh of relief. The swaddling effect allowed me to relax and I had the insight that we create tension in order to feel held.

I have been in the practice of writing my dreams down for about a year and a half. However, I was not doing much else besides recording them. I had no sense of how to enter and understand them, so they simply got logged in my Google Documents.

I started therapy about a month ago and at the request of my therapist, I printed out and read through all the dreams. Everything that is happening in my life right now had already been revealed in the dreams. The current of my soul seems to have a momentum that has nothing to do with "me" and what "I" might think "I" want. This is incredibly humbling.

My persistent resistance to the Flow has been my way of creating a safe small container. The exoskeleton around my heart, across my shoulders and back is generated simply by my desperate need to feel safe. Pulling back and allowing myself to see that I am being taken care of and "moved along" just fine seems to be a first step in starting to trust. And maybe even starting to feel held.

Preliminary Investigation of Prajna Paramita

2009-01-31T07:50:00.000-08:00

I truly love the Internet. Like I want to marry it. It's so fun to learn new things and be able to find so much out about them.

My friend Chandra Easton, a Tibetan Budhist Scholar and yoga teacher in Berkley, pointed me in the direction of Tsultrim Allione's site. From there I learned of Prajana Paramita, The Great Mother.

This from Tsultrim Allione's site:
The Prajna Paramita, or “Great Mother,” is a profound philosophical doctrine that began in India around the time of Christ. The Prajna Paramita sutra is the most important text of Mahayana Buddhism, which emphasizes the doctrines of emptiness and compassion. It formed the foundation of Mahayana Buddhism, which spread to China, Tibet, Japan, and Korea. The teachings were given to the great Buddhist scholar Nargajuna, who lived in approximately 100 AD and came from an area of southern India whose people were descendants of the dark-skinned ancient Dravidians. The text, its doctrine, and the virtues represented by it were personified by a female deity, a female Buddha who had been with humanity from its inception in the Paleolithic period. Statues of this Prajna Paramita were observed in India by the Chinese pilgrim Fa-shien in 400 AD. Read More.

My practice lately has been focused on creating more space for the tightspots. Tsultrim Allione is teaching a practice called "Feeding Your Demons" based on the teachings of Machig Labdrön (1055 - 1145). The practice is offering tender love and affection to your suffering.

Machig Labdrön offers this advice:

"With a loving mind, cherish more than a child
The hostile gods and demons of apparent existence,
And tenderly surround yourself with them."

The Mantra to help calm the suffering is:
GATE GATE PARAGATE PARASAMGATE BODHI SVAHA

I have not been able to find out what that mudra means. This reproduction of the statue shows the hands more clearly.

I totally dig her!

OMG! My Practice is Working!

2009-01-28T16:29:00.001-08:00

A teacher of mine, Ed Brown, used to ask the question, "How do you know that your practice is working?" Today I got a clear hit of "success" and I feel totally delighted.

I woke up "off" but didn't mind.
I was not really "on" in class. The sequence was a little funky, but I did not spend time focusing on what might have gone "wrong".
Was gifted the opportunity to meet Tao, a sweet 2 year old who allowed Alana and me to watch him play for a while while I waited for my brother to show up. It is new for me to feel genuinely curious of children and it feels good.
My little brother was late for his private and he had trouble with his asthma while we were practicing. I learned about asthma, but did not take the "blame" for inducing it. He told me a story of being hospitalized when he was a kid and I did not remember it at all. Instead of feeling bad about this, I felt curious.
On way to Ventura to drop car off, was guided to bring book, newspaper and Sutra CD. Also, in cleaning out the car, found my wallet which I had not thought to bring.
Following Eric in my brother's truck to drop car off at VW for Service in Ventura, my front left tire blew out. Never felt stressed or worried. Felt a little bad about it being in my brother's truck, but not like I usually would. Made the phone calls and the Tow Truck came. (Had plenty of reading material and my photo ID for AAA confirmation). The driver was a total pro and took great care of me.
On way home, stopped at Lassen's to get stuff for dinner. The cashier was new and it took 20 minutes to check out. Again, no problem. There was the sweetest 10 year old girl, Ali, in front of me buying groceries for her mom. Again, I was allowed the opportunity to enjoy her spontaneity and playfulness.
At home, we danced with the conflict of living as a threesome but tonight found new space and ease within that. Knowing it's an ongoing learning process

So, on a fact sheet, my day was totally whacked, and in a different mindset, maybe even shitty. But something inside me felt easy and relaxed about it all. Not because I convinced myself that I should be okay, but because I was actually okay. This is a relatively new experience. And so today, I do feel like my practice is working.

Edward Tulane

2009-01-12T18:51:00.001-08:00

Every so often someone gives you the perfect thing to read. Martha Ringer lent me her copy of "The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane," by Kate DiCamillo.

The synopsis on the back of the book reads, "Once, in a house on Egypt Street, there lived a china rabbit named Edward Tulane. The rabbit was very pleased with himself and for good reason: he was owned by a girl named Abilene, who treated him with the utmost care and adored him completely. And then, one day, he was lost."

A story of opening the heart and allowing it to break and open again. On the inside cover is this:

The heart breaks and breaks

and lives by breaking.

It is necessary to go

through dark and deeper dark

and not to turn

- from "The Testing Tree," by Stanley Kunitz

It takes only about an hour to read. I cried. It's perfect.

Sitting Next to the Pretty Girl

2008-11-25T11:32:00.000-08:00

Growing up, we spent about 4 years in Dallas Texas, specifically in a town called Highland Park. It was customary for most of the kids at our school the ages around 10 to attend cotillion, a formal dance class. The girls would sit on one side of the room in chairs and the boys would line up on the other. The boys were then allowed to run and choose their dance partner. It did not take long to figure out that sitting next to the prettiest girls guaranteed spill over and ensured not being left unpicked.

When a child perceives that she is not loved, all sorts of defensive mechanisms and strategies start to form. I have grown up trusting nobody and under the illusion that I need to will affection. I am only starting to actually understand this. Because up until very recently, I have also been numb. And it seems that we are only allowed to start to see our selves when we have the capacity to simultaneously forgive. If when we see ourselves, we scold and criticize, we perpetuate the separation from our wholeness.

Teaching yoga is like sitting next to the pretty girl in dance class. As people connect with the deepest parts of themselves, they naturally feel better, more open, happier and joyful. It is common for the teacher to be associated with that feeling. This transference is ultimately inappropriate and untrue but a natural part of the path. So for the last 15 years or so, I have been getting the best kind of spill over. And only someone who was really desperate would organize a three day annual yoga conference so that 300 or so people could show up and say thank you.

When you are starving for love, every person and situation is an opportunity for nourishment. The most attractive quality in another being becomes their love of you. You unconsciously work situations in a way that will shine favorably on you, simultaneously weaving you tighter into the perception that you are not naturally lovable. You need credit for all you do and feel angry when you are "cheated" of what is "rightfully" yours. When you encounter people or places that are not conducive to your being fed, you reject them.

This is totally exhausting and thank goodness, eventually unsustainable. The inefficiency of willing love makes it an obsolete technology. And when your dharma is to teach yoga, eventually you too have to start to experience the deepest part of yourself which turns out to be Love. An unending wellspring of continual unconditioned Love.

My Brother and All his Stuff

2008-10-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

My little brother arrived on Thursday at 7:30am with a huge U-Haul full of stuff. But more potent than the 11 guitars, 6 foot speakers, 5 giant amps, 3 Playstations, an entire wood shop and 2 cars is the 30 years of family patterns that he carries. Together we are a petri dish of opportunity for the Van Nostrand Family Unconscious to go viral.

I love my little brother the most. All I really feel is total and absolute affection for him. I adore him like no other and he brings out the most loving, delighted and tender side of me. And so mostly he is here to teach me about Love. Cuz whenever I feel anything other than pure affection towards him, I do not feel right. The judgements that rise up within me in regards to his choices of beverages, eating habits, and art taste immediately feel wrong, unnecessary and comical. But secondarily he is here to teach me about the power of the family story, and understand the effort required to change the wiring.

The pattern in the household we grew up in is to second guess the other's decisions. So when my little brother was telling us today that he was going to the DMV I "naturally" started to ask him if he knew what paperwork was required, had he printed out the forms...essentially "trying to help" and ensure that it would not be a wasted trip. But in truth, all I was doing was participating the familiar and ingrained role of the "second guesser". And his response as the "second guessed" is to ignore the suggestions, even if they do make sense, and proceed with his initial plan no matter the consequences.

In this morning's meditation, I got the hit that the effort "to be right" will only make one small. The "rightness", the "conviction that you know" depends on the belief in one's small and limited mind. I have participated in the luring of my brother to California, and I am hoping he will take up the study I have of learning to follow ones instincts and trusting yourself. And yet, here I am trying to "help him" by not letting him be his own being.

HeeHee!!! This life is so amazing! She catches us at every turn, teases us around every corner and tickles us when we are least prepared. She is completely benevolent and if we are paying attention, is always revealing what we are ready to see.

Thank goodness my brother and I have developed a dialogue so that as these familiar strings get pulled and we start to act like puppets, we can both call it out, laugh and move on. As the strings are revealed, they can be cut. Otherwise we remain under the illusion that we are "in control" as we dance on the Marionette's stage believing that the moves are all ours.

Giving up Classes

2008-09-03T21:14:00.001-07:00

It was incredibly hard to pass the Monday and Wednesday 5:15pm time slot to Alana. I had been feeling the suggestion for a long time inside, and creating the space for her to blossom is part of the mission of Lulu's, but as the time to do it got near, I got totally muddled and doubted the guidance. So much so that the "decision" was made the day the schedule was brought to print.

I was clear that letting the class go was the "bigger", "more expansive" direction. That free fall feeling of leaping into the unknown is becoming more and more familiar and has a pretty strong pull. I was also clear that the desire to keep the class was fear driven, small and resisting the Flow. But I was still torn. Because I love the people that come to class and it's important to me that they know I love them. And so the knot is revealed.

I keep forgetting that you cannot will love through actions. You might have a pretty keen sense of what someone thinks they want or need and you might even be pretty good at delivering that, therefore its tempting to exert effort towards the manipulation of a relationship. But all we do when we play in this realm is indulge the group mind that has so many of us in it's jaws. You hear the voices of what you think people will say, and if you are not paying attention, you respond and start an internal dialogue that wakes you up at 3am. This spin seems to get caught between the second and the third chakra, the Svadhisthana and the Manipura. The Svadhisthana, believed to root in between the 2nd and 3rd sacral vertebrae and flower about 2 fingers below the navel, and the Manipura believed to root at second lumbar vertebrae and flower at the navel, govern "our relationships with others" and "our will" respectively. Hence, digestive mischief, complications in the reproductive organs, low back pain, sciatica and such can be results of this drama.

Simultaneously, the "Universe" has a pretty clever way of making the small choice as attractive as it can before you leap. A small test of faith. So, as expected, the August classes were brimming with loyal and new students, and I got tricked into thinking that they needed me.

Abhinivesha is often translated as "fear of death." My Sutra teacher, Ravi Ravindra translates it as "attachement to the status quo." I am a yoga teacher, and I am a human being in need of love. And teaching yoga is how I have gotten love for a while now. It's been my status quo. But it turns out that this time, the Yoga is about not teaching Monday and Wednesday Evenings. And it turns out that when you are really in the Yoga, you more easily start to catch the Love that is always and ever present.

Taste the Empty In Box

2008-08-29T18:04:00.000-07:00

Phew, Martha, my Angel of Action, just left, and my inbox is empty.

While the 2 days were full of insights and breakthroughs, the main Paradigm Shifters in her system, "First Steps First" for me were:

1. Your Email Inbox is not a To Do List and you do not need to be checking it all day long.

2. We did not "organize" my life, we put it in motion. My understanding of organization was stagnant. That eventually everything would have a perfect settled place and never need to be moved. No wonder I was so resistant to tidiness, I was equating organization with death! Martha created a system for me that allows for continual review and flow. She says: "Working effectively is about accessibility and functionality and not necessarily about organizing."

3. I was not following things through to completion. Martha uses the eat, digest and poop analogy a lot. This is familiar as it is in line with the Ayurvedic system, and I totally got that I was not allowing projects to run all the way through me. I was storing, hording, afraid to let go.

4. "The Willingness to LOOK". You gotta see it before you can release it. I would stuff papers in nooks and crannies and pretend that I would get to them. Martha made me get to them and patiently and lovingly held the space while I did. "No grazing" is a key rule.

5. Our life is a series of Agreements. In her paperwork, Martha has the statement, "Anger is often indicative of Broken Agreements." This statement brings me to my "Mother Knot" and needs more exploration, but my immediate hit was that this is core to my whole life.

I am so incredibly grateful to and in love with Martha Ringer. Thank you thank you thank you.

Next Action

2008-08-28T22:22:00.001-07:00

In my realization that I have been in rejection of my mother my whole life, I am starting to see that I rejected some pretty core skills that come in handy while existing as a human being on the planet.

My mom was always so pleased with her ability to pay bills on time and her obsessive tidiness. Hence, I tend to wait for the pink slip on my door and some have referred to me as a slob.

In this healing, an angel has come to help. I just completed Day One with Martha Ringer. Now, next to my computer is an inbox, an outbox, a labeler, a tidy stack of files and a giant pile of stuff that we are now "processing". A peer of David Allen, Martha helps people be free of the burden of unfinished business by helping you break everything down into actionable items. For example, "Resolve relationship with mother" is not an actionable item, but call mom about the Christmas Holiday is.

Compassionate and generous, Martha holds the space for me to learn and grow while simultaneously gently nudging me towards completion. So many breakthroughs today. So much to learn. I might even start paying my bills on time.

relax and just focus

2008-08-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

"I didn't know I was going to run so fast," Bolt said. "But I came out to be a champion, and I was. I just tried to stay relaxed. I'm always relaxing. That's the way to go so fast: relax and just focus."

Image and quote pulled from the NYT.

Dubbed

2008-08-12T11:16:00.000-07:00

There is a curious unraveling happening around the Chinese Olympics. Yesterday it was revealed that parts of the fireworks display were fake. Today they revelaed that the young girl singing was not really singing. From the Article:

Under pressure from the highest levels of the ruling Communist Party to find the perfect face and voice, the ceremony’s production team concluded the only solution was to use two girls instead of one. Miaoke, a third grader, was judged cute and appealing but “not suitable” as a singer. Another girl, Yang Peiyi, 7, was judged the best singer but not as cute. So when Miaoke opened her mouth to sing, the voice that was actually heard was a recording of Peiyi.

And it is unclear if Miaoke even knew.

“The reason was for the national interest,” explained Chen Qigang, general music designer of the opening ceremonies, who revealed the deception during a Sunday radio interview. “The child on camera should be flawless in image, internal feeling and expression.” (Jim Yardley, NYT)

Oh goodness.

St. Louis Wrestlers

2008-08-02T23:17:00.000-07:00

We still get National Geographic. For me, no other magazine seems to capture the people from cultures and places so different than mine and light them in a way that feels so similar.

I love the NYT Pictures of the Day and this slide show documenting Wrestlers in St. Louis is a total score.

bee my friend

2008-07-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

The explosion of online social networks like MySpace and Facebook has totally blown apart and reworked the definition of the word, "friend." The interconnectedness of all beings is showing through, and I am delighted. But still, I feel a resistance every time I get an online friend request. There is a moment that I question our relationship and wonder if we really are Friends before I "accept". I awkwardly allow invitations to pile up in my Inbox, as I muse over the genuineness of our connection cuz I feel like I am just starting to learn what friendship means to me.

Friendship seems to be an invitation into the complicated dance of Self Knowing with Another. And it is only recently that I have begun to attempt these steps. Because for so long, the dance was only about getting the steps correct, making sure that I was liked or at least right. And in this definition, all invitations to be friends were accepted without regard to the disharmony or possible disservice to both parties and could easily be ended if the relationship challenged a core belief.

I am much more interested now in being like a female bee. Dancing in such a way that my sisters know where the flowers are. (You can watch Isabella Rossellini demonstrate this bee dance here). But sometimes this is going to mean dancing by myself since through my moves I am essentially encouraging them to fly away, or maybe more aptly sometimes, buzz off. The hope, of course, is that we will come back together and mix our found pollens into an even more sweet and delightfully complex honey. But the risk is that they will find another hive as it can sometimes appear like there can only be one queen.

To dance in this way is to not possess each other. Any oppression of each other's free spirit, no matter how subtle, will eventually result in a breakup. And female breakups are almost always sticky and stinging.

Sometimes I hear teachers point to the fact that because ahimsa is listed before satya in the Yamas of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, we are to be kind before truthful. I completely agree when the truth is more of an opinion and disguised harm like, "Yes, that dress does make your fat ass look even wider" or "Wow, you were totally off in that yoga class you just taught." But when we use Ravi Ravindra's definition of ahimsa as "non-violation" as oppose to the usual "non-violence" we create a spacious quality of the unknown around how we might be guided to act at any moment. The willingness to be in this unknowing is to allow ourselves to be totally vulnerable and free of the very support structures that we have worked our whole life to create.

Many female friendships are based on a socially defined network of support. "She's on my team and she'll take care of me." But what does that mean? Generally, this type of bond relies on our agreeing to a set of made up behavior that shows that we care. For example, if I don't come to your third baby shower, you can perceive that as meaning that I am not a good friend. And If I am in fear of losing your alliance and the approval of the group we are swinging with, I will suffer through what ever you want me to do at my own expense.

But this kind of alliance, that relies on a vague sense of appropriate behavior and the group's support, will be just as easily be destroyed by what props it up. When that same friendship puts you in direct opposition to the group, when being a "friend" risks your other possibly more precious attachments, alliances can shift easily.

This same dynamic tempts us to use our relationships as sources of power over others which destroys the intimate and sacred trust required for the immensely difficult work of transformation between two beings.

Lulu Bandha's has been my hive for over six years. It is here among the flowers, the honeybees and the butterflies that am learning about sisterhood. Together we have planted a garden that provides the fuel and built the hive that is the container in which we have been invited to make honey. And of course, producing honey together results in more honey which for a while can seem like the point. But as each of us becomes more skilled in sipping the sweet honey-red nectar of our own Hearts, the garden and the structure of the hive become less necessary. As we taste the ease of becoming Queen Bees of our internal domain, and not over others, the early made-up and support systems that first brought us together can dissolve. And maybe we can really start to become Friends.

Band Camp

2008-07-23T09:11:00.000-07:00

Good story about Band Camp in Florida.

Wanting it to be Other than It Is

2008-07-18T23:20:00.000-07:00

Friday morning in Farmer and the Cook and then at Rainbow I stared at the tomatoes wishing they were more local, more red, more delicious looking. I stared at them as if I could somehow make them different.

The day before I was in the T-Mobile Store at the mall. I lost my purse 2 weeks ago and had been putting off getting a replacement cell phone. I was agitated and annoyed that the phones and plan options had all changed and when I finally picked the phone, it resulted in my plan going up a significant amount a month.

So, when I could not find my passport Friday morning, I did not really believe in its loss and assumed that with a little diligence, it would appear. Twenty-four almost solid hours of intense searching later, I have surrounded to the fact that it is lost to me and I am not going to the Bahamas with my peeps to swim with the dolphins.

Practice, or diligent and sincere effort (abhyasa) and surrender, or non-attachment (vairagya) are two of the core principles in Patanjali's Yoga Sutras. As I looked through each file and nook and crannie vigilantly, I found myself "deciding" what I wanted to happen. As soon as I decided what I wanted to happen, I could no longer see as clearly.

When I started to picture myself in the warm turquoise waters, my searching took on an anxious frustrated quality. I would get hit with waves of feeling stupid and irresponsible. When I sensed that I had let people down, I felt even worse. Simultaneously, when I would start to write the story in the opposite direction, that this was the "universe's" way of telling that I wasn't supposed to go, my searching became lazy and I started to isolate and protect from the possible ramifications.

It is too soon and maybe not even useful to indulge in the "why". The "why" seems to be the mind's valiant effort to explain the mystery. And when the mystery starts to get explained, in the effort to become knowable and stable, it by nature has to become small, limited and ultimately incorrect. The play seems to be to participate absolutely fully and let it all go at the last minute.

The plane left this morning at 6:40am and while I am sad, disappointed and apologetic, I feel like I have stepped into the stronger current that needs my attention. Any more effort (sthira) and I would have been asking for injury, any more ease (sukham) and I might not have been adequately prepared to catch this next wave.

Feeling like a Failure

2008-07-09T06:23:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning with the word failure ringing in my head. I have not heard its tune in a long time and the familiarity tricked me into humming along.

Like many, I have honed skills of self criticism. The belief that there is an ideal way acts as the strictest keeper. And when the sentiment, "I screwed up," has a monologue of proof it can be tempting to bury yourself under it.

At some point when you understand that repeating the story in your head only confirms its existence, you learn how to change the channel. This is what mantra does. "Man" is often translated to mean "mind" and "tra" can be understood as "protection". So a mantra offers protection from our own minds. When attempting to break an addiction to a thought pattern, easy repeatable phrases can be a life line.

And yet just like when dad took the training wheels off the bicycle, there seems to come a point when you are asked to do more than just change the channel. The play seems to be, once again, to increase the capacity to allow for the feelings and thoughts to arise without having to accept or reject them. The neutral resistance to the usual pathway seems to create a friction or heat that generates the required spaciousness. And curiosity seems to be a critical component.

This morning I am faced with the reality that bookkeeping does not run on optimism. Numbers offer a picture of reality that needs to be understood and paid attention to, and I haven't been. And no one else has either. But I have choices. I can wallow. I can freak out. I can pretend nothing bad is happening. Or I can learn.

The learning requires the willingness to not know. To not know allows for the unexpected. I have been in this spot before, but the "stakes" always seem to get higher. What you are asked to let go of always seems more precious. Abhinivesha, attachment to the status quo, has me in its jaws.

And so here I am perched on the cliff. Watching my mind negotiate. Feeling like you did something wrong to end up at the edge is a way to shrink, get small and back away from the cliff. Justifying your actions and propping yourself up blinds you to aspects of your being that are trying to be seen and released. Both keep you under the illusion that you are the only one in charge. I pray for the humility and courage to allow myself to "fail" into what is next.

Independence from What?

2008-07-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

I grew up understanding "Independence" to mean that you do not need to ever ask for help. The primary suggestion on this path is to earn a lot of money. The back up strategy is to simultaneously go numb to ensure no emotional weakspots.

So, when I first came to yoga, it was appropriate for me to assume that eventually I would be so flexible and strong that I would feel nothing. When I encountered new tightspots or postures I could not immediately do, I perceived the findings as a weakness to be overcome, skills to be mastered.

The belief that we need to be something other than we are is our prison cell. The notion that happiness is something to be achieved instead of simply experienced sets us up to create a system in which we can measure and quantify our level of joy. Essentially, if you have to ask if you are happy, you are not.

But this is super confusing. Because many of us begin a yoga practice with the sense that something could be better. We are drawn in as we feel looser, more open, more relaxed. There is a honeymoon period that can last years. And then, when the time is right, more of us invited to the party. And the play is no longer to just "feel better", but to increase our capacity to feel it all. And as we increase our capacity to hold the space for the apparent opposites, we widen and open our prison walls of how we and others are supposed to behave. This is when we start to taste Freedom. Freedom from our own confinements. Independence from our notions of independence.

This is not easy. The capacity and willingness to be vulnerable, not know, dependent on and trusting of the process takes mad skill. And if I had known that this was where opening my hips was going to lead me, I would never have bought that 20 class card. But once you have tasted the spaciousness of Liberation, you'll start to accept all the help you can get.

Aligning with Directive

2008-07-02T22:13:00.000-07:00

When EVE and WALL.e first really meet in Pixar's new movie, her command to him is, "Directive". The Robot version of "What do you do?" WALL.e, which stands for "Waste Allocation Load Lifter Earth Class", shows her his trash gathering compacting and stacking skills. Her answer is, "Classified."

But not long after that, we witness the robot version of kundalini rising when WALL.e presents EVE with a live plant. She beeps, blips, lights up and grabs the plant, puts it in belly, buttons down the hatches and goes into hibernation mode. Like a pregnant mother, there is no stopping her now.

EVE, which stands for "Extra Terrestrial Vegetation Evaluator", is wired to deliver the plant to the Captain of the ship Axiom where all the humans have been living since they left planet earth 700 years ago. The delivery of the plant will signify that it is safe to return back to Earth and re inhabit the planet. But she comes to question this directive as she falls in love with WALL.e and witnesses the failure and corruption of the system in which she was coded.

Recent brain studies have shown that our sense of freewill is an illusion. We are already on our way towards something when we have the feeling that we have thought of it on our own. The practices of yoga are designed to make us more aware of this momentum and help us create a pause. In that pause, we are asked to notice the programming and choose the action as oppose to just being on autopilot. And yet the Yoga philosophy also supports the idea that each of us has a particular directive. A directive that sits in the center of the energetic heart, the Anahata, meaning "unbeaten, unbroken." The moral codes, stretching, chanting, sitting, breathing, and concentrating practices are designed to help us get more clear and tuned to that force. The invitation is to play.

Last year's trailer for WALL.e was "After 700 years of doing what he was built for, he will finally discover what he was meant for." In the course of 700 years of cleaning up the Earth's surface, WALL.e began to study human activity through its left over objects and adopt it. His curiosity leads him to create a collection. And he has a "record" button. The "record" button starts to change his internal landscape of reference. As he changes his "reference" from his original programming, his wiring changes and he feels his aloneness and desire to connect.

This past weekend, we asked Patricia Sullivan to share how she knows when she is in "right alignment" or in robot speak "following her directive". She said something to the effect of, "I don't feel a grip in my belly...and while it may feel like I have a lot of work to do it feels supported and clear."

Sometimes we can think we are following our directive. We are doing all the things that are supposed to make us happy. We have a spouse, a house, a dog or maybe a few kids. We have a job and 2 cars, and we summer in Maine. Or we are single and traveling the world like we always planned. Or something else. But we know that "something is missing". This yearning, this longing for something else is the pull towards our "directive" or "path" or "calling." It seems that our job is to catch and follow this feeling, no matter how crazy it seems. But we are never allowed to really know what that ultimate "Directive" is, as it is the living of our life that is the answer to the questions of "Who am I and Why am I here."

Removing the Shag

2008-06-27T16:30:00.000-07:00

When Eric and I first moved in together 100,000 years ago, we were faced with the task of purchasing our first vacuum. When it came to choosing between two different Miele models, the salesman explained that one was better for hard floors, another superior for shag carpet.

We laughed and chose the hard floor model believing that with our aesthetic sensibilities, we would never have carpet. The joke was on us, as every single place we lived after that had shag carpet. Until last week.

I came home from the Teacher Training one evening and Eric had removed all the unnecessary columns in the house. The next day, he riped out all the white shag carpet. We now live in a 1964 concrete and glass design studio that finally feels like home.

But for over 4 years, we lived with ugly pillars that we were afraid might be structural and white shag carpet we were hesitant to rip up. We felt stuck because we did not feel we had the "solution" to what we would do once we ripped up the carpet. The "what if it sucks worse" mantra can be strong. So we took the passive aggressive route and allowed the carpet to get more and more disgusting until we almost had no choice.

So I now have a new term, "the shag relationship." Relationships that are initially fuzzy and soft. Easy to lie down on but are simultaneously collecting and hiding the filth. Vacuuming and steam cleaning only go so deep. Old patterns fester. Ripping it up seems so drastic. The nail strips are sharp and concrete can feel cold. And even though you are aware of your suffering, at least it is familiar and known.

The removal of that beast in our house has unleashed a wave of creativity and revealed a new vibrational clarity that had been muffled in the shag.

Transparency

2008-06-19T19:29:00.000-07:00

The Teacher Training is almost over. Tonight we all gathered at Mary's Secret Garden in Ventura and saw Kung Fu Panda with Jack Black and Dustin Hoffmann. (Great entertaining movie!)

The Teacher training is one of my year's planned "crisises". The request to allow your teaching to become totally transparent while holding the space for a group to find their own voices is immense. This 10 days together is not about creating "mini-me's". The time together is to allow the space to sink in and experience ourselves while simultaneously sharing what we find. And as they breakdown their notions, so do I, and my teaching totally shifts.

And I probably say this every teacher training, but this is the best group ever. They are totally fearless. Their voices are blooming, their laughter is rich and their understanding is deep. All of them are natural yogis and yoginis. And they are already teachers, they just needed a little nudge.

And I get to play den mother. My main job is to see, nurture and identify where I can be most helpful to their process, not in reproducing my own in them. The creative dance of offering information without advice, without attachment to its being taken.

My dad used to accuse me of asking his opinion just so I would be able to move into the opposite direction. He was probably right, as I seemed to have been born mistrusting authority. And this of course makes it even more awkward as and fragile as I hold the position of authority in this context, but only seriously and long enough to help others discover their own inner authors.

I am not sure that they could know how much they are helping me. How their willingness and bravery allows me to see more clearly. We all come together to help each other and there are rarely any accidents.

The Birth of the Internet

2008-06-17T07:06:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of the Internet. I believe it is bringing people together and connecting us towards our deepest purposes.

We suffered a loss in Ojai this month with the closing of of one of our bookstores, Local Hero. The overriding sentiment was that people don't read books anymore. But Paul Otlet saw that coming since 1934.

A lover of books and information, he set out to collect every single thing written and offer an information service via telephone. Eventually he was overwhelmed and chocking with the amount of paper, that he envisioned the computer and the Internet.

The article is cool, the video in the article is even cooler.

when the plant says, "i love you."

2008-06-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

Scientists have discovered that a little beach weed exhibits conscious behavior and it's freaking them out. Here is an excerpt:

This from From its diminutive lavender flowers to its straggly windblown stalks, there is nothing about the beach weed known as the Great Lakes sea rocket to suggest that it might be any sort of a botanical wonder.

Yet scientists have found evidence that the sea rocket is able to do something that no other plant has ever been shown to do.

The sea rocket, researchers report, can distinguish between plants that are related to it and those that are not. And not only does this plant recognize its kin, but it also gives them preferential treatment.

Read whole article and watch the video.

Watching Big Brown

2008-06-07T15:40:00.000-07:00

I just watched Big Brown, the horse favored to win the Belmont Stakes, the third race of the Triple Crown finish dead last. And I feel a little sad.

A horse race brings together an amazing number of factors and possibilities and the emotional engagement you feel with the horse is surprising. Today, if you had bet against the odds, $2 would have made you $3700.

But now a huge amount of effort is being geared towards, "what happened?!" From my naive point of view it seems that the jockey, Kent Desormeauex, over thought it. The horse wanted to go, you could see him chomping at the bit, but the rider seemed to have a strategy. He seemed to slow down and go wide, pacing the horse for the finish. But he never got the chance and Da' Tara, who Big Brown had beaten by 23 lengths in a previous race, pulled ahead and won.

The process of understanding what went wrong is a tricky game. Because even if you are willing to really see, place no blame, not be "in the right" and learn from the experience, the momentum is backwards. However, I imagine that for a horse whose breeding rights just sold for $50 million dollars last week, people need answers. At the start of the race, the horse's owner was drenched in nervous sweat. Maybe he had bet that $50 million.

We can know the facts of a situation. We can watch the reply of the race over and over and make a list: 1) His left leg seemed to slip; 2) The weather was cool yesterday and hot today; 3)His cycle of steroid treatments changed; 4) He seemed to be out of sync with the rider at the start of the race, etc. Then we can hear what everyone thinks, from the rider to the trainer, maybe the owner and all the commentators. The horse also shows his emotions about the situation. From there we can try to piece together the information into a reasonable conclusion. But then what? Tomorrow's race will bring together another million factors that will play out in another magical unknown way.

This is the part we love and hate. Our minds want to know what has happened and what is going to happen. This keeps us attached. Or as Alan Watts says, "Planning ensures that the future looks a lot like the past." It is a special moment when the mind is relaxed with what is actually happening. This is a moment of spacious and wonderful grace. A deeper part of us is touched here. And the same race that created weeks of predictions and now weeks of analysis, gives us that brief 2 minute thrill of getting to Watch. It provides us with the opportunity to really Look and participate with our whole being in the Unknown.

As a wife of a sports fan, this has been a critical discovery. To transform the event from noise to delight, I have learned to pay attention, notice when the match up is good and enjoy the games.

Madeup and Meditating

2008-06-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

The weirdest part of the Yoga Journal photo shoot last week was the constant attention paid to my hair and makeup. But maybe it was making my poses more potent. A recent study of barn swallows revealed that "a little strategically placed makeup quickly turns the wimpiest of male barn swallows into chick magnets, amping up their testosterone and even trimming their weight."

Using a magic marker, scientists darkened the rust colored breast feathers of the males. This proved enough to draw the attention of the ladies and change the pecking order. I remember reading about Flo, one of Jane Goodall's chimps, scratching her behind on the trees to make it appear more red so the male chimps would think she was in heat. And I remember pinching my nipples to make them more perky before the dance in high school.

How much or little makeup a woman wears depends a great deal on who she is hanging out with. If your pals are plain like you, you will not stand out as the dull one. If your pals are always "done" you will most likely be motivated to start to pull yourself together a little better.

Birds of a feather do flock together. And the Southern California spiritual path has a distinct look.

But who knew it took so much mascara to look natural in meditation. OM!

Fertilizing the Soil of Compassion

2008-06-03T08:33:00.000-07:00

China feels far away. But the news estimating that 10,000 school children were killed in the earthquake and the photos of grieving parents has an imploding effect on the heart. As if the earthquake happened in me.

Sharon Stone got in trouble last week for suggesting that China's devastation was simply a result of karmic law due to their treatment of Tibet. (Watch Video).

Karma is a difficult concept to comprehend. And when it's employed lightly to explain an event as complex and tragic as the earthquake in China, the war in Iraq or the AIDS crisis in South Africa it justifies a lack of investigation and understanding. It creates a safe distance between one and the event and eliminates the possibility of real compassion.

Within the intimate community of Lulu Bandha's, more than a handful of people are navigating the difficult and daily relationship with cancer. Again, to systematically see the disease as someone else's karma is to cut off the opportunity to experience the dance with them. To be near the probability of death is to experience one's own vulnerability while simultaneously connecting to the possibility of our ever ongoingness.

But as a culture we are afraid of death. We do not like to see it or consider it. We put our elders in homes, and there are no pictures from funerals. We are relieved when our sick friends act strong and positive as if nothing bad was happening. A Sunday article in the NYT, "When Thumbs Up is No Comfort," addressed this phenomenon within the context of celebrity and the perpetuation of the myth of the "Strong Cancer Survivor".

Stephen Levine, one of our country's foremost experts in the realm death and dying, points out that in the western medical system, death is seen as a failure. In "Healing into Life and Death," he suggests that instead of trying to boost a dying friend's moral, allow them and you the space to experience the truth of our very real fears of the unknown. To investigate is to heal. But healing does not necessarily mean "staying alive," healing means becoming whole beings.

Part of our work seems to be to allow the pictures from China and the journeys of our friends to penetrate deeply and fully. Feel our connection to everything and everyone and taste the temporary and ever changing nature of our sweet and beautiful existence. This creates the rich soil in which true compassion can blossom.

Bug Sex

2008-05-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

Isabella Rossellini has produced the funniest short videos documenting the mating habits of 8 different bugs, she calls Green Porno. The costumes are wonderfully child-like and the content is educational and entertaining.

Shoot Me Like This

2008-05-25T16:19:00.000-07:00

Next Friday I am scheduled to show up in San Francisco for a photo shoot for Yoga Journal, and I didn't lose any weight for it. And while they specifically told me not to, I am not sure I was supposed to believe them. And now I am nervous.

I grew up ridiculously self conscious of my appearance. There are pictures of me as a young girl on the beach sucking in my belly to appear thinner. I became a gym junkie early, spending 3 hours a day working out purely for the physical results.

But there are women with more mischievous minds than I. An article in the NYT Magazine this morning titled, "Narrow Minded," tipped me off that whole networks of video, photos and support groups exist online to assist women on their journey to become anorexic. The phrase is "thinspiration". If you type it in Google, a whole slew of such sites will come up. I had no idea.

In college, the practice of yoga allowed me to start to inhabit my body for real. Suddenly my body could do amazing things and it felt so good that to simply judge it based on physical appearance no longer made sense. But the cultural residue remains and this morning while looking in the mirror, turning right and left to check myself out I could sense those old feelings of "I'm fat" self-disgust. But I like to take my demons head on, so look for me in full blossoming yogini form in the September issue.

questions

2008-05-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

"be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. do not now seek the answers for they cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. and the point is to live everything. live the questions." - rilke

Wedding Day Jitters

2008-05-23T09:00:00.000-07:00

As I believe I have shared, the wedding story in the Style Section of the NYT is one of my favorite treats. But these wedding photos taken during the quake in China are better than most stories.

Going to San Francisco

2008-05-22T19:01:00.000-07:00

Alana and I are going on a yoga tour in San Francisco next week. With the intention of paying homage to our amazing Crib Teachers from the North Bay. We will be kicking it with Jason Crandell, Scott Blossom, Chandra Easton, Diego del Sol, Katchie Ananda and the lovely ladies of Laughing Lotus, Dana Flynn and Jasmine Tarkeshi.

We are kicking off our tour on Tuesday morning with Schiffmann in LA to set the tone before we board Virgin Airlines (only $48 one way!) and head North. The week will end with a photoshoot at Yoga Journal for a Home Practice piece they let me write.

Afraid of the Bill

2008-04-20T20:53:00.000-07:00

I need to go to the doctor. My ear drum is injured. I have water in my head. But I am afraid. Not so much of the verdict, but of the bill that bad news brings in the doctor's office. At the same time, my computer is busted. I can barely work, but I am feeling too stretched to have someone look at it.

I grew up mostly in Greenwich, CT. Where it is impolite to discuss money. To discuss money reveals that it is a problem and that there is not enough. And the enslaving belief that "old money" is superior to "new money" keeps everyone in their place.

My father is an incredibly generous man. I watched him always take care of the bill at dinner with friends. I learned that from him. But nobody ever explained that you have to have the money to do that. And so in college, I found myself deeply in debt due to my dishonest generosity. I am so grateful to no longer be in charge of the books at the yoga studio cuz I would rather starve that tell you that you are behind in payment. I physically can't do it.

I have recently joined the board of the Ojai Valley Land Conservancy and it turns out that part of my job is to help raise funds for the organization. If I had the room on my credit card, I would put the restoration of the Ventura River Preserver on it and take care of it myself.

But I am starting to realize that always taking care of the bill, is to hoard the credit. Everyone likes to contribute. Its a way to feel connected to the process. And so to not ask my friend to become members of the organization that is so close to my heart is to not give them an opportunity to help nurture and tend to this beautiful valley. And that tending comes with a bill that we all need to chip in to.

So, if you are not already a member, please consider joining the OVLC. And if you know the name of a good ear nose and throat doctor and/or computer physician, please pass those on too.

Fired

2008-04-18T10:13:00.000-07:00

In my dream a few nights ago I was fired by the Love Department of Microsoft. Specifically by one of their agents who had heard me speak in a yin class a yoga conference two years ago and did not deem what I said as worthy or appropriate. I have actually worked for Microsoft, specifically a division called WebTV, but I was not there long enough to be worthy of firing. I quit after about 7 or 8 months.

The dream tugs on what I have been referring to in class as "The Mother Knot", or Ma Granthi. My simultaneous need for approval and rejection of authority. In the dream I puffed and mocked my expulsion from Microsoft because who cares what they think anyway. But slowly through the various encounters, a deep sadness and hurt were trying to come to the surface. That somewhere in my early life that rejection was believed and the counter pose of "Rejection of Authority" was struck. My work lately has been to notice that I got stuck in that shape and it's safe to come out.

"Cradle Tentativeness"

2008-04-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

Arakawa and his wife, Madeline Gins equate comfort with death. Their latest architectural project, the Bioscleave House is built on the principle that in order to stay healthy we must remain continually challenged. Not a new idea, but maybe the first time the concept has been put into the design of a home as home as always been thought of as a place to rest and be comfortable.

The house looks like a giant playpen for children that one might rent for a birthday party. Or a trippy scene from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. The bumpy floors undulate forcing you to balance, climb and crawl around the house. "Its architecture makes people use their bodies in unexpected ways to maintain equilibrium, and that, [Ms. Gins]said, will stimulate their immune systems."

The design assumes that you have no life outside the home. It assumes that you live trapped in a city with no access to the mountains, rivers and oceans. But the suggestion that we face death directly by removing the false illusion of comfort is right in line with the Yoga Sutras. It is the nature of things to change and the deeper we can really feel this magnificent imperamance all the time, the more relaxed we actually become. As soon as we become attached to our lives being one way or the other, we create anxiety. When we are graced with a glimpse of the guiding support that is truly there for us, we can start to Trust.

As the house forces a person to be doing yoga asana all the time, possibly it is creating the fertile ground necessary for such a revelation.

Good Friday Pictures of the Day

2008-03-21T14:28:00.001-07:00

A particularly wonderful amazing tragic contrast of our lives on the planet today:

Friday, March 21, NYT's Pictures of the Day.

Give it Away

2008-03-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

In a study published today in the journal, Science, it is again proven that giving makes us happier than receiving.

Beginning Excerpt:

Money may not buy you love but it might buy you happiness if you spend it in the right way, US researchers say. In studies they found that the old adage "it's better to give than to receive" is correct: spending money on others or giving to charity puts a bigger smile on your face than buying things for yourself.

"Most people would think that if you make more money you are going to be a lot happier," said Michael Norton, a professor at Harvard Business School. "Our results, and a lot of other people's results, show that making more money makes you a little bit happier, but doesn't really have a huge impact on you. Our studies suggest maybe that little changes in how you spend it make a difference."

Read the article.

Exit Right Brain to Nirvana

2008-03-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

Happy Spring. Watch this TED video of brain scientist, Jill Taylor sharing her personal story of the interaction of the right and left brain and how we form our identity in the world.

Pictures of the Day

2008-03-07T19:48:00.000-08:00

Pictures of the Day has become one of my favorite sections of the NYT.

The Married Obamas

2008-03-04T19:02:00.000-08:00

Photo Taken by Damon Winter for the New York Times.

Love the expression on Michele's face.

Letting Go of Options

2008-02-26T07:50:00.000-08:00

An article in the Science Times today advocates the reduction of choices. It turns out that humans have a difficult time allowing "doors to close." But while we rationalize this behavior as "keeping our options open for the future," it turns out that the resistance is emotional. Dr. Ariely, the head of a recent experiment at MIT reports, “Closing a door on an option is experienced as a loss, and people are willing to pay a price to avoid the emotion of loss."

We are all guilty of holding onto relationships long past they are mutually beneficial. I have suitcases full of expensive art supplies that I have not touched in 10 years but keep just in case I might need them. I have cans of food in my cupboard that I know I will never open but allow them to sit there. I am still holding onto personality traits that are no longer serving me, but might come in handy.

The concluding statements feel right in line with the work of David Allen, author of Getting Things Done. A spiritual teacher disguised as an office guru, David Allen advocates the reducing the drag on the system through the adaptation of a system that allows the mind to be free of clutter.

Our job is to be listening and following the inner guidance that is coming through. When we are busy keeping doors open we are not moving forward, we are stalled and stuck in the past. Emotional loss is difficult but the other side is freedom.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one
which has been opened for us."

-Helen Keller

Strapless with Bustle

2008-02-24T21:00:00.001-08:00

I spontaneously watched the Oscars tonight for the first time in probably 10 years. I was moved to do so to see if Tilda Swinton and Daniel Day Lewis won. They did. And deserved to do so. But in both of their categories, other amazing men and women were up for the nomination. So while I had favorites, I was able to feel comfortably open.

And this is the point. When the options all seem plausible, we can relax. And the options often all seem plausible when we start to understand that we are not in charge. There is a Force that knows more than us. It moves within us and tries to guide us, but we are not always listening. Sometimes we think we know best. Sometimes we still try to make it how we think it should be. Of course, a little suggestion here or there never hurt, but lately, I find myself praying for guidance and the courage to follow the Orders I seem to be receiving,

Meister Eckhart wrote, "If there were a God of whom I had any idea it would be not worth having him as a God."

My life is more amazing than I ever could have imagined. Eric and I look at each other ever day and feel, "Wow." The difficult part about getting older is that you can start to feel the clock. You start to worry that you might not get everything done that you came here to do. You feel so grateful for your life, and the work is the way of saying, "Thank You." And even when you trust in the on-going-ness of Life, when you spy your aging hands, anxiety can arise.

Tonight I noticed that most of the ladies presenting were in strapless gowns with additional bustle. What a pain. Because anyone who has ever worn a strapless gown, knows that you are always slyly pulling that thing up. Not sexy. And then there is the problem of the how to deal with the nipples. Cameron Diaz had her dress made too tight to avoid such silliness, but not all were as clever. Of course, the fashion trend exposed some beautiful collarbones and shoulders and arms. People in Hollywood clearly work out a lot, making the strapless gown an easier option.

The more effort put forth, the more options we have. The more movies you saw, the easier it was to understand the winners. The more investigation into ourselves, the more we understand others. The less limited our image of God, the more likely we are to believe.

Wow. Never thought I would say something like that.

Look and You Shall See

2008-02-22T20:24:00.000-08:00

I cried in Sutra Class today. Ravi Ravindra has been presenting the Yoga Sutras of Patanjai for the past three weeks up at Krotona. Yesterday we started Chapter 3 and I was feeling disappointed because the initial exploration was feeling one dimensional. Today busted me wide open.

The primary exploration in Chapter 3 is around the word "Samyama" meaning "perfect concentration" or "perfect discipline." Ravi teaches that Patanjali is offering Samayama as a combination of Dharana (concentration), Dhyana (meditation) and Samadhi (absorption state).
But as we start to explore the resulting siddhis (powers) as a result of Samyama on various states or objects, the discussion invariably falls flat since the teacher and nobody else in the room has really experienced these siddhis.

Today, Ravi explored the idea of "Looking". We examined the interaction or interplay of how the impressions impact the "underlying silence of the mind." But when he suggested that "we start to see how things are by actually looking," I began to well up. Ravi explained that when we really look and see without simultaneouly categorizing them with our mind then "Right Order" arises.

We are so tempted to create order. It is so easy to believe that we know how things should be. We are the spin doctors of our own reality. But only when we allow ourselves freedom from our small pea brain ideas of how the world is will the Truth emerge.

Or as is said in The Petit Prince, a 1943 novel by Antoine de Saint Exupéry, translated into The Little Prince:

Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Third Chapter of the Sutras

2008-02-21T19:54:00.000-08:00

I have had the delightful opportunity to be in Sutra School up at Krotona with Ravi Ravindra over the last two weeks. His presentation of Chapter 1 and 2 have been thoughtful, patient, insightful and poetic. I have felt in sync with his understanding and he has offered new ideas for me to play with.

He is a wonderful teacher and I would study with him again. But as with most Sutra classes, when we get to Chapter 3, the energy flattens. I have yet to meet a sutra scholar who has direct experience with the states of consciousness and resulting powers discussed in Chapter 3. And without intamite experience, the presentation loses it's luster.

We cannot teach what we do not know. And while the technical discussion is interesting and the speculation curious, when the waters do not flow the thirst is noticeable.

Look Ma! I'm in Yoga Journal

2008-02-13T07:55:00.000-08:00

The March Issue of Yoga Journal lists "21 teachers under 40...who are shaping the future of yoga."I am listed and feel all mixed up about it.

I have always made fun of Yoga Journal. And so while I am delighted and amazed to be a part of the list, I am simultaneously embarrassed to feel as such. To mix things up even more, how come I am in the back on page 130?

Baseball players reported today for the start of the season, and I got thrown an early curveball with spin to help me unravel my knots. The Approval Knot is deep and I am sensitive and easily tickled around the issue of Authority.

My resistance to wanting approval from Yoga Journal is rooted in my need for approval from my mother. When you perceive that you are not getting what you think you need, one strategy is to reject it and pretend that you don't want it. This is foundational to my defensive numbness. Simultaneously, every time I opened the publication, all my insecurities about being a yoga teacher flooded to the surface. Just a flip through the magazine revealed doubt and worry about my authenticity and place in the yoga scene. The inevitable taste in my mouth was the same flavor that Seventeen Magazine would dissolve into when I was 11 years old. I would be left feeling fat, ugly and not enough. To counter pose, my only strategy was to downplay the importance of the rag and allow Eric to help boost me up.

Last year there was a possibility of my being in Vanity Fair. While I resisted wanting it to happen, I was totally aware of it's potential to satisfy my buried misguided need for approval. I mostly grew up in Connecticut, and to a certain sect of East Coasters, to be in Vanity Fair means your "somebody", because only the "somebody's" end up in Vanity Fair. And a deep part of me is still yearning to feel like "somebody". And while I try to convince myself that I have "gotten over that," the pitch from Yoga Journal reveals that am still in the pattern of looking to others for certainty.

Ojai is healing my "mother-knot". The arms of the valley are cradling me, accurately and quickly reflecting back at me, and laughing and singing and showing me the way through my own heart. The deeper the knot, the more compressed the container often needs to be. Ojai is a small container socially. Its like family, really. With your sisters and brothers, mothers and fathers, lovers and children, crazy uncles, lots of grandmothers and that kooky cousin. Many of my friends are also healing mother-knots. It seems to help to be working on similar tight spots together. It is one of the reasons why the teachers of Lulu Bandha's are often sharing similar asana patterns and stories without having discussed it in advance. We are softening similar edges.

One way into the mother-knot is to no longer need your birth mother to love you. This happens through an unraveling of our preconceived notions of love. Softening the definition of what love looks like and who it needs to come from, eases the resistance to feeling the Love that is available and being offered to us all the time. Stephen Levine writes, "Love breaks the isolation. Love brings the unhealed back into the flow in which it may dissolve, received in the depth of the healing heart." Simultaneously , we begin to feel ourselves as Love. "Love is not what we become but who we already are." (Levine, Healing into Life and Death).

The result is that you not only start to love yourself a little more, but you start to love your mother too. This feels good. This feels way better than the alternative.

I am incredibly grateful to the kindness and generosity of Andrea who wrote the article. Her reach towards me has exposed and relaxed the knot. She wrote an accurate and personal story. She captured the spirit of Lulu's and Ojai perfectly. She unnecessarily apologized for my being on page 130 as I had already loosened about that, and she offered me the opportunity to write a piece which I gratefully, gladly and easily accepted.

Like-ability

2008-02-01T10:29:00.000-08:00

The key phrase in the contest for the Democratic nomination is "like-ability". I first heard it slung at Mrs. Clinton in New Hampshire when the Scott Spralding offered that while she was seen as the most experienced and the most electable, what was her response to the voters who "seem to like Barrack Obama more." It was a huge turning point in the race. It was her response,"Well that hurts my feelings," that rallied people around her, especially the women. It was the first heart felt thing I heard her say all night. It also opened the opportunity for the first zinger I heard from Obama when he quipped, "You're likable enough."

I like Obama. I respond to the undeniable force that seems to emanate from within him. He shines. I enjoy his confident easy relaxed manner. He seems to be telling the truth. Nobody can know what kind of President he will be, but he feels destined to be in that role. Or at the very least, his journey towards towards the nomination has an undeniable power and momentum that feels like change. And, did I mention that I like him?

It seems that most of us during this campaign have picked "our candidate" based on the mysterious undefinable quality of "like-ability". Then, we justify it with plausible reasons so that it sounds like we have made a logical choice. But more interesting to me this morning is why I don't like Hillary Clinton, because I really want to.

Gloria Steinem wrote a great piece for the NYT after the Iowa primaries called, "Women are never Front Runners." She caused me to step back and try to look again with fresh eyes at Hillary and at myself. In my junior year of college, I changed my focus within my Science Technology and Society major from feminist studies to design. I could not feel as angry as the feminist studies professors and other students. It felt silly to me. I had no sense that I was being held back because of my sex, because I was not in recognition of it. I grew up so unaware of being female that I did not even perceive myself as such. As a little girl I preferred to play with the boys and once I reached the age of 8, I always had a boyfriend, never a best girlfriend. With a few rare exceptions, I had trouble being close to woman, because I was not able to be close to myself.

It is only recently, since moving to Ojai and being lead to open Lulu Bandha's that I have been open and fortunate enough to deeply connect with a group of most wonderful and amazing women. A tribe of old warrior souls who are collectively learning and teaching each other how to feel, sing, love, heal, nurture, soften and strengthen. Of course there are men mixed into this pack, but Ojai is a feminine nest. The arms of the Los Padres National Forrest cradle this Valley of the Moon and are cradling us.

Hillary Clinton appears to be afraid. She seems to be afraid that she won't be President of the United States of America. Her fear seems to justify her dishonesty and her negative campaigning. And it feels like she is relying on her will and her incredible strength to make it. She does not seem relaxed; she does not seem to be trusting in the process; she seems to be resistance. Takes one to know one. She is a mirror of the patriarchal feminine. While not as broken as Tilda Swinton's character, Karen Crowder in Tony Gilroy's Michael Clayton, her disconnection from herself reveals her wounding.

She may be running to be the first female president, but maybe ironically she is not feminine enough. Maybe, in her effort to be an equal player in what is a man's world , she rejected the strongest parts of herself. The national response to her teary eyed moment just before the vote in New Hampshire showed that women want to be women. Women don't need any more models of how they can be like men and get far in this current system. We want models of feminine leaders. We want models of relationship building, team work, collective growth. We want models of how to be able to show up fully as ourselves and in doing so be of service to others. We are not afraid of power, we are in rejection of the currently held definition of power. Jean Baker Miller writes:

Our culture maintains the notion that women do not and should not have power. Yet women have exerted enormous powers in their traditional role of fostering the growth of others, and they have found that empowering others is a valuable and gratifying activity. Empowering other people, however, does not fit accepted conceptualizations and definitions of power. When women contemplate the use of power on their own behalf and for their own interests, many of them equate the prospect with destructiveness and selfishness -- characteristics that they cannot reconcile with a sense of feminine identity. Moreover, they feel that the use of power may lead to abandonment, which threatens a central part of women's identity that affirms the need for relationships with other people. (Abstract from 'Colloquium: Women and Power').

So, until these models appear, we must do our best to be the models. Continually looking in and understanding the places of us that we have squashed in effort to be appreciated and praised within the cultural system most of us have grown up in. Allowing these aspects to come to the light will encourage the healing and wholeness that we are craving. And we might even start to like ourselves.

So this morning, I feel compassion and gratitude for Hillary Clinton. She is a product of her time and environment. And her willingness to be up there on center stage as a mirror for all of us in invaluable. She is a reflection of the early movements of our sisters and mothers towards an equal society. She is breaking barriers and like any front linesman, taking a lot of the early most poisonous, hard shots. No matter who is the Democratic Nominee, perceptional barriers have already been broken. History has already been made. And I look forward to the continuation.

Frog Serenade

2008-01-29T12:22:00.000-08:00

Eric and I ventured down to see the effects of the rain in the Ventura River Preserve this morning. After navigating the crossing of two smaller streams, the river itself proved to be too much for us, so we were forced into exploration mode.

I can physically feel the effort of abandoning a plan. Everything inside me wanted to go on our full 2 hour hike back in Willis Canyon and the resistance to accepting the obvious reality of the uncrossable raging river runs deep. But in our backtrack towards the southern crossing spot, we came across a frog opera. Stepping off the path, we pushed through dried bamboo and grasses to the still water where they seemed to be. We could not see them, but as we squatted on rocks, they got louder and louder around us until all of a sudden they ceased into a brilliant silence.

I am not sure that I would have known how to explore towards the frogs if it was not for our weekly time with our 6 year old pal, Torrey. With Torrey, everything becomes an adventure. We create huge stories around who we are and what we are doing. Stories that getre-weaved as necessary to ensure the continuation of the play. Rules get made up and broken in real-time. And with Torrey, costumes are critical to the game.

At some point in our lives, many of us forget that we are playing a game. Our costume gets stickier, we don't remember that we made up the rules, and we start to believe them as truths. The suggestion that we might venture into another direction is perceived as a judgement or even an attack.

Aging occurs when there is a lack of movement. Just as the connective tissue in the body begins to shrink wrap and dry up around the perceived range of necessary motion, the mind will close in on itself if it remains unchallenged. The effort of not listening, not looking, not questioning is self fulfilling. Eventually, with time, you will no longer be able be able to.

The practice of taking oneself less seriously is critical to feeling the fresh newness of each moment. Each day is another opportunity to unravel, open and delight in our lives. When reconnecting with friends from the past who like to remind you of who you were, I often feel like that Bob Dylan song, "Ah, but I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now." Ribbet. Ribbet.

Addiction to Clarity

2008-01-28T08:09:00.000-08:00

Very little is as refreshing as clear thought. That sweet moment of "a-ha" realigns your whole being. Everything seems brighter, lighter and easier.

So when it is otherwise, when my thinking is cloudy, when I don't have a clear understanding, when I feel muddled, it is painfully apparent. Simultaneously, I can feel my misguided efforts to "figure it out." Patience is a quality that I am encouraged to learn every day. As I discussed in "The Process of Truth," it is the throat's job to tell the truth, but it also holds the virtue of patience. A difficult combination for a born "know-it-all".

But there is a cycle happening. And similar to Alan Watts words of "crest implies trough and trough implies crest", blue sky implies clouds and clouds imply blue sky.

So just like on this beautiful morning, as the clouds are starting to part with the rising sun, the blue sky feels so much more beautiful than it might have had it never changed. And without the clouds, I would not notice the brilliant light of the sun. There would be nothing on which to reflect that soft golden pink. Without the clouds, there would not be a bright coating of snow on the mountains. And without the gift of the beautiful sweet water rain, the air would not smell so fresh and be so delightful to breathe.

The Process of Truth

2008-01-25T12:05:00.000-08:00

Fox Network has done it again. An article in the NYT today reviews their latest reality television offering, "The Moment of Truth." Alessandra Stanley writes, "Fox has come up with a cash-prize competition that is neither a game of chance nor a test of knowledge. It’s a pseudo-psychological trial by ordeal in which the contestants trade candor for dollars."

Candidates are hooked up to a polygraph and asked a series of increasing embarrassing questions. Cash is rewarded for true answers. $10K for the banal kind and up to $500K for the "marriage-busting" kind.

While it has become clear over the last 10 or so years of reality programming that there are plenty of people that will do anything for money and a small moment of fame, it seems that this new spin taps into a deeper need.

The maintenance of the illusion of who we think we are supposed to be is exhausting. All of us have things to hide, especially from ourselves. And even though we put a lot of effort to keeping appearances, the deepest darkest parts of us want to be exposed to the light.

We continually fabricate a reality of how things work, who we are, and how we need to be in order to survive. Within this game, we have a choice. We can allow our invented world to continually expand and open, allowing ourselves to unravel, or we can do the opposite. We can button down the hatches, cement our beliefs, put our efforts towards knowing how things are and resist new information. The narrower our understanding of ourselves, the less room for wholeness. The more change scares us, the more defensive we become.

It is the throat's job to tell the Truth, Satya. But the throat is in continual negotiation from the truth that seems to be coming down from the head and up from the heart. No wonder we all suffer from neck tension. But the head can never know the Truth. It is the head that is continually weaving the tale from its perception of opposites. ("She's bad, he's good, that's right, that's wrong"). To buy into its illusions is to live in a top down management structure. When we allow ourselves to be more like grassroots organizations, when we start to feel and sense and use what is really inside of us instead of deciding what should to be there and squashing the rest, we have less to hide. Tilling the soil of ourselves brings the dark richness to the surface, creating the garden in which we may blossom into whole human beings.

We want our secrets exposed. The fear that others won't love us if they really know about our "dark side" is eventually unbearable. The more intimate truth is that we do not know how to love ourselves wholly as we are. Our attempt to squeeze our giant souls into artificially defined molds disconnects us from our true Nature. The less afraid we can be of discovering the truths of ourselves, the more likely we can use those truths as nourishment for the fruit of our Being. And That is worth way more than $500,000.

Working for Ojai

2008-01-24T08:16:00.000-08:00

I am honored and delighted to have been elected to the board of the Ojai Valley Land Conservancy. Lulu Bandha's has been a Business Sponsor of the Conservancy for the last four years, giving funds raised in our Green Yoga Class. Started by Ellen Hall, Rich Handley and a small group of dedicated individuals in the eighties, the OVLC is dedicated to the preservation of open space in our amazing valley. If you are not currently a member, please consider joining.

I was born in California, but at the age of four my parents tricked me and moved us to Connecticut. I returned as soon as I could in 1991 for college. During the first month of Freshman year, a group of other east coast refugees gathered to go to Yosemite. We arrived in the middle of the night, unaware of what awaited us. I awoke to the awesome power of that ROCK. And for the first time experienced something close to God. This was the beginning of my relationship with nature.

Eric's pal Vincent used to say that "Environmentalism is the religion of the Left." And for sure, Yosemite was my way in to a spiritual practice and sense of being a part of something larger than myself.

This Valley is a magical place. Deceptively quiet, the cradling nature of the arms of the Los Padres National Forrest are continually demanding that we be in alignment with the deepest part of our selves. Moving to Ojai corresponded with my finding the courage and support to start teaching yoga full time and beginning a life that we never dreamed possible.

Unlike many of the other board members, I am neither knowledgeable nor skilled in the art and science of restoration, nor do I live the life of a committed environmentalist like my pal Sara Benjamin. But I am devoted to this valley. In fact, often I feel like I work for her.

Unhooking

2007-11-20T14:10:00.000-08:00

Eric and I just "got back" from vacation. Except we didn't go anywhere. We just unhooked right here, in Ojai.

The removal of the schedule is profound. I had no idea how much the rhythm of my life was determined by the mere 7 classes I teach a week. I thought I was enjoying where I lived, but it turns out I've been very busy.

We had the space to go on long hikes almost every day, and one day we climbed Topa Topa. I had the room to have dinner with my girlfriends. Eric fixed the watering system at our home, and I cleaned my office enough to see the floor again. I got as far as picking out the colors for the new yoga room, but did not get around to painting it. I wrote an article for Edible Ojai. I cooked with Olivia at Farmer and the Cook. I watched the pink moment from Krotona regularly.

The funny thing is, most of these simple activities happen even when I am teaching, but the lifting of the time constraint is magical. Cuz when you have less to do, you can be more available. When you bump into unexpected friends or situations, you can really meet them and open up to all the possibilities that might arise. When you have a schedule, even a light one, there is a subtle strain to your experience in between activities.

The feeling is similar to the delicious luxury of assisting a yoga class. When I am assisting a class, as oppose to teaching, and do not have the tug of holding the space and moving things a long, I feel as if I have an infinite amount of space and time to offer a participant. I am less hooked to the outcomes. Yet, I am keenly aware that as an assistant, you do not receive as much love, praise and credit as the teacher. The teacher, or primary host, gets the kudos for the experience.

And so the rub. I am a "doer". Organizing and coming together and seeing projects through is a skill of mine. And I enjoy the praise connected to getting things done. But when you are trying to "get stuff done," its easy to miss out on what is really happening.

A teacher of mine, Amit Goswami, refers to the "do-be-do-be-do-be" rhythm. As human beings, we are constantly in the tension between being and doing. And within that tension, our life happens.

I still feel like I have a lot to do. But the trick, as I slide out of "vacation," is to get more clear on what I actually want my time, attention, and precious moments to go to. So that whatever it is I eventually end up "doing" is in alignment with my being.

Waiting for of the Crib

2007-10-11T20:30:00.001-07:00

The Crib happens in 2 weeks. We are all in high anticipation and wonder as each year the event comes together in a totally different way, with it's own personality, surprises and delights.

This used to drive me crazy. As a former "Microsoft Office timeline-wielding, clipboard-carrying, hole-punching, tall-leather-boot-wearing Program Manager" from the software industry, my idea of a successful project got delivered under budget, ahead of schedule and to the original specifications. I believed it totally possible to know exactly what you wanted something to be and a sign of strength and power to deliver it just so. In my mind, change was the enemy. And when new fresh information would come in, my inclination was to see it as bothersome and sometimes ignore it cuz it meant reevaluating the plan of action.

So, it was only natural that for the last four Cribs I tried to figure out what the event was going to look like by July, four months before the actual event. No wonder I was always a burnt piece of toast by the time of gathering. Cuz while I was made aware each year that I was not really in charge, I had not yet really started to trust the art of waiting.

When uncertainty is uncomfortable, the natural inclination is to want to "get clear". The impatience can easily lead us to force a decision that is not ready to be made. To start to really understand and know that the best way to get clear is to relax and listen is literally and figuratively mind blowing.

The practices of yoga help create the conditions for clear information to come through and simultaneously prepares you to act on it. I used to do yoga cuz of how it made me feel. But I am just starting to get a sense of the possibility that it's not about how it makes me feel, so much as what it allows me to feel. The increased sensitivity to what's actually happening, allows the uncertainty to be less scary cuz you realize that things will reveal themselves as they are ready. Guidance is really coming through and following it is fun and most of the time has results that are more amazing more wondrous more magnificent than anything I could have come up with and pulled off.

You can't believe it until you start to notice it. My teacher, Erich Schiffmann, talks about this reality all the time, and while I always liked the sound of it, I had no tangible experience of it. And I just figured he wasn't trying to pull off as much as me. He didn't have a studio and a conference. Of course he could be relaxed! But since I had not ever tried, I had no idea how hard relaxing really is. And how much practice it really takes.

So as we come up to this year's Crib, I have 4 years of rehearsal under my belt. And it would be untruthful not to acknowledge that the efforts of trying to "figure it all out" were good exercise and developed an understanding of the logistics and quirks of the event. But this is the year that I really start to play. I stalled as long as possible before wrangling the schedule in and tried to allow the giant math problem that is the Crib to solve itself. Cuz if "solved" just right, the event looks and feels like LOVE.

Of course, the game of the Crib would not even exist without my husband Eric and teammates Alana and Uschi and all the amazing wondrous Crew that comes together to give birth to the Crib. And thank you the beautiful venues who open their spaces. And thank you Steve and Olivia and chefs who make all the delicious food. And of course, I am so grateful to all the teachers who come from all over to be with us and share. And my deepest gratitude to the participants that show up. Without you, nothing would exist. And a deep and humble bow to the amazing Ojai Valley that holds the space for us.

Summer of Love

2007-08-19T20:59:00.000-07:00

This is the first Summer I have made the time for play since we started the Crib 5 years ago. Putting yourself on the line every summer and not going to the beach gets old. So this summer, we put ourselves on the line and went to the beach. And went swimming with the Dolphins in the Bahamas. And relaxed a little.

And I started to notice that relaxing is the key to being relaxed. I used to think that I could only relax if I got a lot done. Something like, "I'll relax once I organize my office, do the books, schedule all the Crib peeps, make that flyer..." All that does is wire you to never stop doing. You have no other mode to switch into and you fry the system with your clever "fight stress with stress" strategy.

Simultaneously, I bought into the myth that if I relaxed, everything would fall apart. Which, in some scenarios, is exactly what might need to happen. But, and they did not teach me this at Greenwich Academy, you get just as much done when you are relaxed, in fact you get MORE done because you are more discerning, more focused, and more passionate about you are actually doing.

The highlight of this understanding was Love Camp in Bimini, Bahamas with WildQuest. We witnessed Allison and Michael's Sacred Union, we snorkeled in the most beautiful place on the planet and we swam with dolphins. I had never been drawn to swim with dolphins. The graphics can be "New Agey" and the connection to Atlantis and Lemuria was way out of my belief system's league. But this was before I was blessed with the opportunity to interact with such amazing magical creatures.

The Dolphins draw you down into the warm turquoise water, deeper than you would go by yourself. They teach you how to undulate and swim with your whole body. And because they are so relaxed, you relax and you no longer need to breathe as much, and it's the most effective amazing wondrous pranayama practice ever. And when you finally rise to the surface, you rise straight to the sun, hands in prayer, exploding with gratitude and joy. Ready to be of as much service to the planet as possible.

You come back from a trip like that transformed. You have tasted a new state of being and the old one doesn't feel right anymore. You have no choice but to allow your life to reorganize in a way that allows you to feel more relaxed more often. And things do have to fall apart and unravel and open and soften. But luckily, after feeling the expected fear and resistance and doubt and humiliation, the change feels relaxing, and so the self-fulfilling cycle begins.

So, we have no choice but to go back next summer (July 19 to 25, 2008). Allison Stillman and I will host a week with WildQuest in Bimini doing yoga, chanting, meditation and swimming with the dolphins. Join us September 29th at Lulu's for a practice and slideshow of this year's trip.

xo
k

Love Stories

2007-08-19T08:14:00.001-07:00

As I have shared before, my favorite section of the Sunday New York Times is still the Style section and within that, the Wedding Story is usually the best. A peek into the intersection and possible merging of two people with secret dreams and desires that together they might help each other uncover.

Today we got a glimpse of the union of Donny Andrews, "sentenced to life in prison [in 1987] for murdering a man on the troubled streets of West Baltimore" and Fran Boyd, "a former [heroin ] junkie who "exchanged sex for drugs."

Their LOVE for each other became the stronger force than her addiction or his sentencing. Together and with the help of their angels, Law Professors and Hollywood Producers, she got sober, and he was released and they got married.

If you are like me, and live for stories like this, read it. But these two quotes sum it up perfectly:

“Love never fails,” Mr. Reid told the nearly 200 guests, “You see with all the tragedies of their lives that love brought them up.”

“Everything has a second act and a third act,” said Mr. Simon, who was also the best man. “And everybody gets to write their endings.”

Fuzzy Wuzzy

2007-08-16T11:51:00.000-07:00

Gil Hedley, Ph.D. coined a phrase to describe the stickiness we feel in our bodies. He has proven through dissection that while we sleep a certain amount of "Fuzz" collects.

During the waking state, we are required to move and bend, twist and breathe, challenge our assumptions, feel the truth, and open our hearts to break it up.

However, most of us are asleep all the time, operating in conditioned and limited patterns physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually that we learned or adopted as our path towards Love. The song, "If I move, think, behave like this, I'll be loved," loops deep in most of us. This is the tune that promotes Fuzz. Slowly and eventually the Fuzz becomes familiar and comfortable as it provides padding and protection from feeling potentially painful emotions.

When we are not listening and feeling the subtle energies message, our systems use our bodies and our external environment to try to bring attention to the stagnation. Our low backs start to hurt, our digestion starts to get screwy, we have a a car accident or we lose our job as a way to alert us to the Fuzz buildup. Most of us, even with an understanding that we are whole beings, hope to fix these isolated bothers without really looking at the total picture. And often, our wheels are so greased in a particular direction, that we just figure that we are not doing our chosen life patterns hard enough.

The yoga practice is designed to be a Fuzz buster, but if unchecked it too can become stale, wrote, un-investigative and canned. If the techniques have been presented as absolutes, we can easily fall into the trap of believing that if we do posture or breathing exercise a certain way, we will find happiness. The Fuzz knows where we are blocked, and it will strategically lodge itself in our dusty nooks and crannies. Rigid ideas create warehouses size storage containers for Fuzz.

That said, alignment ideas are incredibly useful and important. The details provide the container in which to explore and understand and play. And when first starting a practice, the ideas provide guidance and direction and allow for a sense of progress, which are very helpful in establishing the groundwork and foundation for the yoga path. As a yoga practitioner continues her journey, new alignment information reveals itself through new teachers or from within. If the yogi still believes that there is a right way, new information will prompt the thought "Oh my goodness, I have been doing this wrong my whole life," possibly causing frustration and depression. If the yogi can start to understand that the techniques are part of a process, meant to change and morph and find the Fuzz, alignment information will become a tool of her practice, instead of the other way around.

Lately, I have been finding that the more intimate I become with the feelings of Freedom, Ease and Openness the more familiar they become. The more I can experience a sense of Spaciousness and Joy within me, the less tolerant I am of Fuzz, the more quickly I recognize its presence. The sooner we can sense the stickiness in our bodies, minds and hearts, the easier to clear. So start to allow yourself to linger in the wide open space of Savasana a little longer. When you are in a yoga posture, practice relaxing and noticing how it ACTUALLY FEELS, as oppose to just doing it. When you are with your beloved, pause and savor the sweetness of each other. Allow yourself to soak up the Love when it comes your way and It will come your way more often. Begin to Wake up to the Amazing Being you will be on your way to Fuzz Free.

Letters from Love Camp

2007-08-14T10:26:00.001-07:00

I have been enrolled in LOVE Camp this Summer and have not been able compose a full post. But I have lots of scribbles, texts, poems and reminders that I recorded in between camp activities which have included Swimming with Dolphins in the Bahamas, meeting the Flower Fairy, and reading Rilke and Rumi and Pablo Neruda.

You Fall in LOVE at Love Camp. You start to dance a DANCE so simultaneously free and precise that you cannot tell if you are leading or being led. You forget that you cannot sing and you SING because you have no choice. You start to TASTE sweetness on your lips and for the first time SMELL the flowers. The JOY of BEING is TRUE! And this wonderful feeling that overtakes you is so BRAND NEW and TOTALLY FAMILIAR all at once.

Graphically, I feel like I have been existing in my fourth grade sticker collection. Ready to offer the most precious ones -- the puffy clouds, the glittery rainbows, the fuzzy unicorns -- to whoever might cherish them as much as me. But I have been hesitant to try to share here, in writing. The feelings have been so over the top and the words that are usually used to describe the sensations, words like Divine, God, and Bliss do not feel clear enough. In fact, they seem to muddle the flavor. And every time I would try to write about IT, that Herman Hesse quote would rise up within me: "If you talk about it, even the simplest thing becomes complex and incomprehensible."

But, as Eric and most of my pals know, talking is what I do and expression is how I get clear. So, these upcoming writings will be clumsy and even more vulnerable than usual. And I will be forced to use words that are not quite right, but I need to clean out the space for the fresh update.

So, thank you for being here. What happens and what gets communicated all depends on who shows up.

xo
K

Housekeeping

2007-05-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

I am just starting to learn how to prefer a clean house. And I am just realizing that this is the key to keeping it clean.

I am a conditioned slob. When I was young I must have chosen to adopt the attitude that mess doesn't bother me. I have no problem with 15 mugs piled up around the sink. And I can step over that expanding pile of laundry until I have absolutely nothing to wear.

For a long time, my trick to get myself to clean my house was to have people over for dinner. But even this started to lose it's magic as other people's opinions are never enough for real change.

Then Rita dropped down from heaven with a scrub brush in her hand. Bartering is a way of life in Ojai and when Rita suggested that she help me clean my house with environmentally friendly products for yoga, I practically barked YES.

So here's the irony, when someone is coming to clean your house, you clean your house before they come! You prepare for them to come clean your house! Almost like working out all your problems before seeing your therapist. And for the first time ever, I have figured out that if I pick up while the house is still basically clean, it stays clean!

This is of course, a lot like the practice of yoga. The idea is to bend forward and back, and side to side a little every day to keep the spine flexible and free of build up. If we wait till we are in pain before doing something about it, then yes, the task is going to be a lot harder and might even hurt.

We use our bodies like giant storehouses of the memories and stories that make us who we are. The more committed we are to our stories the higher our tolerance to the internal clutter. But I find myself wanting more room for LOVE and I am becoming addicted to the feelings of FREEDOM, and there is no room for LOVE and no FREEDOM in a messy mind or house. You become a slave to the clutter. And as you start to clean up, you realize how valuable and precious the space is. And it becomes easier and easier to to choose what you keep and what you let go. You become discerning and in the process become more available for what really matters. My friend Maria used to say, "A clean house is a big house." And I want a Big House for LOVE. I want to be open, fresh and ready for all the BEAUTY that is available to fill my empty dusted shelves.

Thank you Rita. I love you.

xo
k

Greasing the Wheels of Freedom

2007-05-16T05:31:00.000-07:00

The wheels of my mind are well greased to arrive at the conclusion, "I suck".

For example, I will experience the thought, "Damn, I forgot to call Cory." It's just a reminder, like an email about an appointment getting sent from my online calender. If I acted on the thought right away by writing it down or actually making the phone call, it would be taken care of. But what seems to happen instead, is a rush of thoughts kind of like this:

"Snap, I told her I would call her"..."She must think I'm totally flaky"..."How could she want to work with a person who can't even do a simple thing like pick up the phone?"..."Damn, I've really blown it this time."

Made-up delusional notions like these, known as adhyatimc obstacles, actually start to create a resistance and fear to calling her cuz suddenly I have a story about how much she hates me. But if not turned around here, the downward spiral continues to:

"I am trying to do too much"..."I am overwhelmed and unable to pull all this off"..."I shouldn't have eaten so much pasta last night"..."I'm fat"..."I suck." (My mind will almost always find a way to remind me that I believe that I am fat.)

I have had at least 33 years of practice arriving at this conclusion. But I have 12 years of practicing yoga and every now and then experiencing the feeling of a different conclusion, one of Happiness, Ease, and Love. These moments of Sweetness are the Honey that draw us towards the Hive. Without the warm fuzzy expanded good feelings, we would not recognize when we felt contracted, small, bad. And as we get more Clear, it feels worse and worse to be otherwise. This is part of the feedback mechanism that we rely on to guide us deeper.

But those surprising delightful moments of Bliss are not enough for me. I want to know how to get myself there and stay there for as long as I can stand. The work seems to be to actively rebuild the mind. Create and grease new wheels to make it easier and more likely that I will head in the direction of Peace, Love and Happiness. This is not an easy remodel. And as I "Pimp My Mind," here are the steps I am working with:

Step 1: Practice pulling your foot off the accelerator when you can feel yourself speeding towards the negative belief pattern. Take a deep breath towards the belly and let out a long sigh. Pause and relax as much as possible. The thoughts might still have momentum, but you are not as invested. Get good at this.

Step 2: Learn how to brake when you can feel yourself going towards the negative. This will feel jarring at first. As if you are a lawyer and you will be incomplete if you do not make it all the way to your final conclusions. Mantras are a great help in this practicing this step. To have another "tune" to turn on and start belting loudly. I have been using the Gayatri Mantra lately. You might prefer a Beatles Tune.

Step 3: Make a U-Turn and head quickly in the opposite direction towards the Positive. Let your addiction to the feelings of Joy and Ease be your GPS system. This can feel dorky and awkward. But like learning any new skill, you eventually get the hang of it and it starts to feel natural.

So, with my example of suddenly remembering to call Cory, instead of allowing myself to conclude that I am small and worthless, I try to actively connect to all the reasons why I want to call her. Something like:

"I forgot to call Cory."..."Wow, I am so glad that she is going to start teaching at the studio"..."We are going to have a prenatal class and an early morning practice"..."I like her and I look forward to getting to know her better"..."Maybe she'll even teach me a little about signing"..."I'm, doing the best I can"...

It just takes a lot of practice. One tip I am learning is that it helps to hang out with good mechanics. Seek out relationships that reinforce and prime the feelings of Openness and Connection. Our minds like to rev at the same speed of the minds around us.

As you start to get better at it, it will be tempting to get down on yourself for even heading towards the negative at all. I try to remember that those wheels served me for a long time and old habits die hard. I imagine that eventually they will be stripped and that mode of understanding will be put up on cinder blocks.

Let me See

2007-05-04T20:38:00.002-07:00

Dearest

give me the gift of Seeing
the Similarity

i have perfected seeing the differences
make my eyes the most Beautiful

let me see the most Glorious

in each
and every One

xo
k

Becoming a Fan

2007-05-03T19:37:00.000-07:00

After almost 10 years of marriage, Eric and I hooked up the Television. I have been able to avoid caring about Sports for a long time now, but it's NBA Playoff Season, and the games are Live in my living room. And when something comes this close, you have almost no choice but to allow a relationship to develop. The trick is to start to learn the details. Understanding the strengths of the individual players' games, knowing the strategies and preferences of the different coaches, and getting the scoop on the team's management turns Basketball into a dramatic and entertaining piece of theatre.

Yet I am noticing that it is much easier to be interested and engaged when you have a favorite player, coach or team. Otherwise there is no emotional juice to draw you towards it. Trying to stay an intellectual observer is too boring and does not imprint the experience in the mind. But as soon as you allow yourself preferences, the experience becomes personal and relevant and you literally See the Game differently.

The shots and plays from your preferred team color start to become "good events" and the same moves from the other team either go unnoticed or become "bad". You can feel yourself willing the shot clock to slow down, getting frustrated when an opportunity to tie the score is missed, and depressed when your star player gets injured. Your team actually starts to glow brighter, and you almost believe that they deserve to win.

Most spiritual traditions refer to the practice of "non-attachment" as an important skill. We are warned that being ruled by our likes (ragas) and dislikes (dvesha) is confusing and dangerous and will only lead to suffering. But on this journey to know Love, I am discovering that the practice of Attachment is vital. We need the power of the Emotion to burn through the deep layers of conditioning. A purely mental understanding of Freedom will not provide the keys.

It is our preferences that wire us into the beings we are. The more I attach to the way Peace, Love, and Happiness Feel, the more familiar I become with these feelings, the more they become my reference point. Then, and only after I am firmly hooked into these Feelings, the practice of "non- attachment" can be added to the mix. Usually, the first step is to relax and loosen the details and circumstances that have been relied on to create those feelings. And maybe even start to notice that you are the Source of your own Joy.

The quarter finals are just over. The Houston Rockets just lost in Game 7 to the Utah Jazz. I feel a little sad because it turns out that Jeff Van Gundy is my favorite coach. Yet I am thrilled about Barron Davis and the Golden State Warriors history making defeat of the Dallas Mavericks. And I love to watch the formidable Steve Nash of the Phoenix Suns.

This vivid discovery of becoming a Fan is fascinating to me. And because I am still enough of an outsider with very little to lose, I have the luxury of experimenting with my preferences as the Games are being played. Unfortunately for me, this phenomenon is not what Eric wants to talk about while watching the game, so we are still working those kinks out.

Incoming

2007-04-26T21:50:00.000-07:00

Lately, I am aware of the following traits in others: arrogance, embellishment and the tendency to blame. Which usually means that I am about to become acutely and painfully aware of them in myself.

Like a smoke signal from across the plane, my lack of patience with others has revealed itself to be an early warning sign. But this time I am wondering if there is a way to quicken the learning and soften the blow.

The usual pattern for me seems to be: 1) I am irked by a particular trait or specific actions of another; 2) I verbalize my frustration to someone close to me, usually looking for and getting their support; 3) Convinced, evidence and examples confirming my beliefs collect easily, building a solid case. Not much longer after this process, I will find myself in a situation acting exactly in the way for which I have judged them. This recognition and understanding will be spiked with embarrassment and shame, but the wince will eventually become laughter, followed by the sense of relief that maybe we really are all same.

This is not an efficient way to learn. I feel like Will Farrel playing the same arc through one character at a time.

But this morning, as I soften around these particular smoke rings --arrogance, embellishment and the tendency to blame -- I can feel that they are fed by the same fire. The burning desire to be loved. When I puff myself up, I am operating from a belief that I am not worthy of Love As Is. Simultaneously, I assume I am clever enough to know how to act to get Love. You know, that old chestnut.

And, maybe instead of demanding from others the massive amounts of kindling my ego requires, I can stop smothering the spark that has been burning brightly this entire time. And maybe, as I come in close to the warmth, I will feel that it is fueled by the Love that is Continual, Uninterrupted, and Undaunted. And maybe some of the smoke will clear.

Find Your Natural Talent

2007-04-20T12:31:00.000-07:00

I used to cheat on my BC Calculus Homework. I am suddenly remembering this because I have just finished a new book by Carol Dweck, Ph.D. called, "Mindset: New Strategies for Success."
I picked up the book after reading recent article in the Stanford magazine that summarizes her work.

Her basic premise is one that I have bought into for a long time: Our belief system shapes our experience of our life. And yet, her context, language and specific examples ripped me open to expose deep crusty tight spots, or as she calls it, 'A Fixed Mindset'.

Dr. Dweck proposes that we can be operating under a 'Fixed' or 'Growth' Mindset. Essentially, a fixed mindset buys into our cultural myth of "Natural Talent" and does not believe that qualities like intelligence, artistic ability or athletic performance can be changed. A 'Growth Mindset' is in continual learning mode allowing challenges and setbacks to be feedback and opportunities for growth self development.

Dr. Dweck's research revealed that when a child gets labeled as smart or gifted and praised for her accomplishments, her fixed mindset is being groomed. The child can start to define herself as such and resist new activities that might expose her as other than what seems to be getting her love. She essentially turns into a "non-learner." Dweck's research revealed that if a child is praised for her efforts, hard work, dedication and commitment, she might start to get wired as a learner. She will more easily perceive setbacks and challenges as opportunities to develop herself.

One of the main findings of the research is that if you believe in the cultural myth of "Natural Talent" then you might not understand hard work as necessary or useful. And, worse, if you are seen working hard, people might not believe that you are naturally gifted.

I am not sure what I was doing in the BC Calculus class. I never asked any questions for fear of revealing that I did not understand. I was content to be associated with the smartest math class. Somehow I was not connecting the simple fact that Michele Barnett did the homework with the obvious result of her knowing the answers. Even as I (and several other frauds) copied Michele's homework, I rationalized that I would be able to figure it out on the test because I smart. I can feel the temptation to blame Mr. Murdoch, my huge scary math teacher, for squeezing the interest out of me. But when I look closely and see all the times in my life that I have bailed due to the risk of not appearing smart and talented, I know that I am the one responsible.

I remember enjoying playing the piano. I was not that great, but I had no reason to believe that I was terrible until my little brother, Geordie, revealed that he could play by ear, pick up any instrument and even compose his own tunes at 8 years old. I quit on the spot. I saw that he was more talented, and I could not see the point of continuing unless it would be as easy as it seemed for him to excel.

So like with any new understanding, there is a moment of regret and mourning, but I am again incredibly grateful for this new awareness. Because when I really look, I can see how the rigidity was even starting to affect my yoga practice and teaching. Part of my journey of finding my own teaching voice was to stop going to other's classes. I was committed to finding the source of the teachings within me. But as I cut off the external opportunities to be challenged, learn and grow, I can feel how I also cut myself off from the Source.

I am lucky that my Job is to continually unravel my tight spots and share the process with others and maybe even be able to offer some assistance. And no matter how much inherent talent you have, hard work is required. In fact, it is your Natural Talent that demands that you put forth the most effort and simultaneously be the most open to change. You are drawn to the Process like a Bee to Honey. When you discover your Passion (through your career, family, friends, pets, the outdoors or elsewhere) you will start to work harder than you ever have before. It is your Job to find this Natural Talent in you. Your Natural Talent is The Way into this Magical Life.

Aaaa-Choo, press into the ball of your foot

2007-03-23T17:33:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday in class when I announced that I was still suffering from allergies, a student asked if I was opposed to taking medication. I replied that I was too old to be opposed to anything, but I just didn't think of medication as my style.

However, I have been suffering from sneezing, coughing, itchy eyes and 'faucet-head' for almost 3 weeks now. And today I look like that miserable woman in the commercials surrounded by balled up tissue, begging her partner to bring her home drugs to fix everything. And tonight I finally begged. I have just taken a Claritin tablet. I am now waiting to find out if it works.

And If it does, I will once again be reminded that any tight spot, any fixed idea about a right and wrong method, gets in the way of solving a problem.

I can be resistant to sharing ideas about alignment in asana because I do not want the alignment information to get in the way of feeling the posture. However, sometimes we need help and guidelines, maps, and recipes are incredibly useful, especially when we are tired and our heads our thick and foggy.

Clartin is a substitute for what my own body can do on its own if allowed the space and time. Alignment information is available to help quicken the connection between mind and body. And maybe if I wasn't in such a hurry to feel better, I could allow myself to rest. And maybe if the yoga asana practice was afforded more time and dedication, alignment information would be less necessary. But here we are, evolving modern beings in need of time saving efficient solutions. Which are readily available and useful if you allow them in.

Wired to Unite

2007-03-21T13:43:00.000-07:00

It looks like we are wired to be loving caring nurturing beings, as long as it improves our chances of survival. In Tuesday's Science Section of the NYT, Nicholas Wade published and article titled, " Scientist Finds the Beginnings of Morality in Primate Behavior." The piece presents the work and theories of primatologist, Dr. Frans de Waal.

For over a decade, Dr. de Waal has argued that our basic codes of behavior -- "empathy, the ability to learn and follow social rules, reciprocity, and peacemaking" -- are the basis of "sociality" and can be understood by studying chimpanzees and apes. This idea does not fly among moral philosophers and theologists. But I think this is incredibly exciting, because it means that as a species we are designed to ultimately unite.

Yet, currently the same qualities that bond us can also cause us to fight against each other. The rules of community matter only within the community. Female chimps will take rocks out of hands of the fighting males and work to create harmony. But one of their main motivations seems to be the fear of appearing vulnerable to neighboring bands of chimps. The instincts that lead us to share food and shelter with our tribe pit us against our perceived enemies, or maybe worse, not care at all.

One of the main ways the practice of yoga asana works is through the 'Squeeze and Soak' principle. The forward, backward, and lateral movements of the spine are designed to compress the body, and 'squeeze' out what is no longer useful. When the compression is released, there is space for the new fresh 'juice' to flow in and 'soak'. The asana practice begins by addressing the obvious gross tight spots in the body and slowly starts to reveal the more subtle, yet so much deeper and knotty tight spots in the heart and mind. Eventually the nervous system gets "rewired" to prefer the feelings of vulnerability, openness and trust.

Ojai works a lot in the same way. One of the reasons this valley is such a magical place to live is the intimate nature of our community. We know we are going to see each other over and over again. This reality motivates us to tell the truth, drive slowly, donate to every auction and fundraiser, and smile. This kind of behavior feeds upon itself, actually feels good, is contagious, and becomes the standard.

The planet is getting smaller and our divisions are becoming more obvious, uncomfortable and compressing. And yet I am optimistic that this squeezing is also increasing our awareness of our close relationship with each other and in the interest of survival, might be the force that allows us to soften our barriers and understand ourselves as part of the Global Community.

This evolution will not come from a mandated codified set of morality. In fact, any rigid idea of how to behave immediately stops the Unification process. It is our self-centered design that will ultimately be what drives us to come together. The motivation and path is wired deep within each of us and that feels like good news.

Happy Birthday Lulu

2007-03-14T23:24:00.000-07:00

Lulu Bandha's turned 5 yesterday and last night we gathered for dinner to celebrate. The entire menu inspired by what is growing right now on Steve Sprinkle's Farm. And as we sung 'Happy Birthday to Us,' I was struck by how Lulu Bandha's is also inspired by who and what is growing right now.

Amy is recording an album. Sara is working with the Valley's children to restore the Wetlands. Jess is writing. Kari is moving to Oregon and opening a yoga studio. Catherine created Bhavantu. Uschi is the International Ambassador of LuluLove. Craig is singing. And the list goes on.

I had no idea that the simple need of my own space in which to teach would bring together such a special and powerful community. That by following my heart, a home would grow where others could also tune in.

My job as a yoga teacher is to offer specific techniques to open up space in the body and breath to ease the stickiness and allow for the Inner Guidance to come through. But I am learning that my job as a Yoga Teacher is to Show Up and empower others to do the same.

The Blood Running Through Us

2007-03-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

So this article made me well up and weep.
So if you like stories of love and healing and new connections between human beings, I recommend reading it too.

Lessons from This Side of Sick

2007-03-10T08:15:00.000-08:00

I am peaking out of being sick for the last 5 days. Woke up to an article in the NYT about "dark energy." Turns out that what we understand to be 'true' only applies to 4% of what actually exists. That as scientists start to try to understand the rest of the 96% of the universe, the same rules do not apply. Rules like gravity and equations like E=MC2 are constraints around this reality only. So that's mind blowing and cool.

On the other end of the spectrum, there is an article about the possibility of putting your brain on trial instead of you. So, for example, a jury might electronically watch your brain's response to questions instead of listening to your answers. The artwork for the article is great. I went to Brendan Monroe's, the artist's, site and found even more cool paintings and sculpture. I especially like the piece, 'Suits Me'. Allergen's and Sleep Deep are familiar feelings from this past week and inspired me to write about a few lessons I got to relearn while down.

1. Labeling your condition something other than being sick does not make it go away.
I have been working though some deep unraveling of old patterns and conditions, so when I first started to cough, my initial declaration was, "Oh, that's just the old patterns releasing themselves. I'm not really sick." When the sneezing started, I grabbed onto the "It's just allergies" tagline still hoping that I was not getting 'sick'. My last effort was to wrap a fancy Ayurvedic term around it suggesting that I was simply moving into a seasonal Kapha cleansing of my body's excess mucous. But as my head began to run full force, my body started to ache, and the weakness won, I had to finally give in. Cuz no matter the cause, if it looks like sick, feels like sick, tastes like sick, it's Sick and you're It.

2. Getting irritated about being sick does not make it go away.
I do not like to miss my classes. I have an agreement to show up at certain times on certain days and when I am unable to, I feel sad. When you are sick, you are not able to fulfil the obligations that you created under the assumption that nothing would change. On day 3, my frustration with being sick had become so overwhelming that I found myself acting out, intentionally trying to make Eric, my husband, suffer too. My resistance to accepting the current situation was making me miserable and the misery started to want company. Shinzen Young writes, "Suffering is pain times resistance" or (S = P X R).

3. Empathy through One Condition at a Time
Just as I always find myself in the shoes of those I judge, I seem to need to actually experience sensations to understand. On Friday night my state transitioned into a Sinus Infection. To all the people out there who have in the past confessed to having sinus infections to me, I am sorry. I had no idea how much pain you were in and most likely I did not give you the sympathy you deserved. Like Bob says, "He who feels it knows it."

4. Advice to the sick is good, but Care is better
All sorts of advice files in when you are sick. And on day 3, I started to desperately follow it. I even started doing lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup shots (this is a crazy thing to do). But what finally allowed me to turn the corner was accepting the love and support of my pal Jackie Parker. Jackie is an Ayurvedic practitioner. She invited me over to lie on her table, get steamed and have her pour warm oil on my head and in my nose. Surrendering to that space, that time, that LOVE, allowed me to finally relax into the reality of my situation. And so while I still sound terrible, and every so often I have a coughing fit, I am RELAXED about it and my body can do what it's doing in it's own mysterious way.

5. You have no idea why you are sick and the usual rules of engagement do not apply.
Being sick is humbling and forces you into a receptive, open and vulnerable state. Huge change can happen in these conditions if we let it. But if we are too busy trying to maintain reality as we know and prefer it, we might not receive the gifts that are trying to be delivered. So maybe I did bring this on by digging deep inside, maybe it's the giant blooming oak tree outside my window, but whatever It is and whatever It is doing, it's here now and that's all I really need to know. And maybe I can use this extra alone time to work on cracking the code of the other 96% of the universe.

Feeling into the Exchange

2007-02-24T15:26:00.000-08:00

Lately I am understanding the practice of yoga as the play between giving and receiving. Simultaneously, I am getting clearer that it is my preferences around giving and receiving that often trip me up, that disconnect me from the Current. I am trying to collect my thoughts on this. Here are some of the first ones.

1. My preference to be the giver can block another from giving and restrict my ability to receive.
I grew up understanding that independence from others was a strength and would guarantee survival. To need no one else was the ultimate powerful position. One way to insure that you need no one else is to never let them give you anything. Simultaneously, continuous playing of the role of the giver keeps you feeling too busy to acknowledge and meet your own needs, therefore perpetuating the illusion that you don't have any.
Relationships built on this power dynamic do not last. The receiver will start to demand more and more of the giver until the giver can not meet the receiver's perceived needs. Resentment over the roles they both find themselves playing will build, pushing the relationship towards a breakthrough or a separation.

2. My preferences around the way I give, keeps me from giving easily.
When rules around giving keep it from being easy, you get cluttered inside. When there is clutter, there is not enough space to receive the ripe information. I notice this tight spot most glaringly when I host dinner parties. I love to cook for my pals and I get a huge kick out of preparing large experimental feasts. The process is a creative outlet. However, the bar I have set for myself means that I have people over less than I would like to. Simultaneously, I will often be in and out of the kitchen the entire party, never really receiving my friends, too busy serving. And while everyone eats well, the most vital part of gathering together over food doesn't get to happen. The intimate communication and sharing between human beings cannot fully take place if one person is never at the table.

3. My ideas about receiving, blind me to the continual amazing generosity and guidance of the Universe.
The other day, I wrote down an unfamiliar sentence "injury is going to happen, it's part of the process." I was particularly surprised 'cuz the way I practice and teach is so often about moving slowly and thoughtfully enough to avoid unnecessary injury. But at some point, those preferences are going to be overrode and injury is going to be the information, the gift, that comes through to be received. Pain is feedback and to be overly protective against it is to sometimes deny a truth that is trying to be heard.
Similarly, in my relationships, my distaste for certain emotions and thoughts, stops the Ongoing Communication. As I have recently been sharing, my continual managing of situations, even when under the best intentions, hampers the Natural Current.

But the Current is strong. And for all my efforts to stagnate, it continually guides and pushes. Lulu’s is unraveling my old strategies of love, and the intimate valley of Ojai is a Force much stronger than my preferences.

Confessions of a Big Mouth

2007-02-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

I'm a talker. Like really. As a yoga teacher, I get 90 minutes of uninterrupted 'talk-time' about 10 times a week. But that's not enough for me, the blah blah blah continues outside of class and beyond. And the key to being a talker is to never really listen. And when one talker meets another, conflict is inevitable.

I have a good friend who is also a talker. Like me, a master of the craft. He has a special technique of asking you a question and then as you start to answer, he changes the subject. And the other night, I almost let it get to me. But suddenly, as I was about to call him out on it, I heard Eric, my husband, in my head. And, maybe for the first time, I understood what Eric must feel like all the time.

Cuz I don't just change the subject, I will ask Eric a question and walk out of the room as he starts to answer. Or, he will start to talk to me, and I will busy myself with something else. He will accuse me of not listening, but I have a trick memory and I can parrot back exactly what he has just said, without having absorbed a word. And, admittedly, my attention depends on what he is talking about.

If the subject is politics I will block but simultaneously fake nod. If the subject is me, I'm all ears and totally engaged. Filtered, subjective, and selective, my ability to listen is closely tied to the subject matter. As is my friend's attention, and I can feel that I have almost nothing to offer on the topics that interest him. And so the other night, I bumped up against a core part of myself that I had not yet fully acknowledged. Vulnerable and exposed, I think I laughed out loud. But the laughter allowed me to relax and remember that I love my friend and I know he cares about me too even if at times we are only half listening at best.

Thank you, friend, for the gift of clear reflection. We may have some work to do, but you have given me the chance to move towards this tight spot, breathe into it and open up to the possibility of change. And what was that your were you saying about the arugula?

It's a Love Affair

2007-02-10T17:25:00.000-08:00

I got my first Valentine this morning around 12:13am. One of the best love letters ever. A friend took the time and had the courage to express herself. To tell me what she was Feeling. To allow herself to be Vulnerable. To allow her Heart to be seen.

And in allowing Herself to be seen, I get to See Her, and I get to Love Her.

And so I realize that when I hold back my Feelings, I try to stop the flow of Love. In managing, herding, organizing myself around ideas about how and what to feel, I let my ideas contain me. I cut myself off from the River. But the River of Love never stops. It finds a Way. So I might as well let myself Ride the Current.

Thank you Valentine.

xo
k

The Truth Will Win

2007-02-08T08:19:00.000-08:00

My ideals are killing me. I am so focused on what I want to feel and what I shouldn't feel that I am blocking what I am actually feeling. My understanding of how I am supposed to behave is causing me to doubt and distrust the very clear information that I am getting. Like a scientist with a faulty hypothesis she's desperate to prove, I am not accurately recording the facts.

I am mad at friend. And if I had been truthful and honest about my feelings initially, I would not be in such a pickled state now. Because I labeled my own feelings as 'judging'; because I thought I knew what 'patient' and 'loving' and 'kind' meant; because I hoped that if I did not get involved, the situation would go away; or because I thought time would allow me to soften around the events; I hesitated to express myself.

And now, all those blockings have made my feelings stronger and louder and almost violent. I have successfully created a monster inside. A fireball of emotions that is ready to attack.

And what might be even more embarrassing, is that this is a familiar place. I continually resist confrontation at all costs. I can't stand it. I am wired to sacrifice myself for harmony, or as my pal Katherine puts it, "for the illusion of the Greater Good." And yet, over and over again, I find myself here. "Cobra on my left, Leopard on my right", I have no choice but to move towards the tight spot. I have no choice but to be truthful and honest and reveal my actual feelings.

The practice of yoga allows us to be sensitive and open to the information we are receiving. Simultaneously, it increases our endurance, so that we have the courage to act on that guidance. And the guidance I get so often goes against my ideas, my definitions and beliefs around the 'Greater Good'. And when your illusions are in the way of what is actually happening, you create a breeding ground for violence. And while you can keep yourself down and 'in line' for a bit, eventually, the Truth will win. You have no choice.

It's a lot like Cooking

2007-01-30T07:53:00.000-08:00

B.Y.O.P (Bring Your Own Practice) has appeared on and off the Lulu Schedule for about 4 years now. We all know how difficult it can be to practice alone in your house. All of sudden you are inspired to vacuum, your dog climbs on top of you when you fold forward and they just started construction on the house next door. But even when all those factors are removed, as they usually are in B.Y.O.P., there still remains the problem of how to know what to do in your own practice.

I first began to teach myself how to cook in college. Because of economics and more popular politics, I began as a vegetarian cook. I owe those first two years to Mollie Katzen, Enchanted Broccoli Forrest and Sundays at Moosewood Restaurant, and Deborah Madison, The Greens Cookbook. I followed their recipes with total dedication and belief that by doing so, I was cooking.

At almost exactly the same time, I took my first yoga class with Christina McLeod at YogaSource in Palo Alto. Bikram Yoga is a regimented sequence with predictable and highly successful results. It's a great recipe. A crowd pleaser. At the urging of my new yoga pals, I started to also go to Russel Yamaguchi's Ashtanga class. Another great recipe. More complex than Bikram. Requires more skills and greater dedication to master the craft. Produces a high vibrant connection and offers a lifetime of exploration.

Similarly, I was turning to more complicated recipes to hone my cooking skills. I dove head first into Thai food. By this time I was married and had a day job. I would come home at around 7pm, chop for 3 hours and serve dinner at 10:30pm. My husband, Eric, was very understanding. He knew long before I did that the excessive knife work was a way for me to unwind from the corporate environment.

At this time, I was still dependent on classes for my yoga. I had an idea that it would be sweet to have my own practice, but did not know how to access it. When I did find myself alone with the space and the time, I would simply follow the recipes I had been shown. Assuming, just like in cooking, that they would guarantee that I was doing yoga.

Before moving to Ojai, I realize now that I neither knew how to cook nor do yoga, both of which I had been practicing and learning the techniques of for almost 7 years when we got here. But I suddenly found myself in an isolated environment. At first frustrated by the apparent limited supply of food, I slowly began to see the abundant offering of local fresh organic produce. At first disappointed by the lack of a connection with a local teacher, I was forced to look deep and feel the support of this magical mystical valley to do so.

And by surrendering, I met my new teachers and rediscovered the practice of cooking and yoga. I learned that the most important ingredients are kindness and compassion, and there is no reason to be afraid of lots butter and salt. I am starting to understand that what you leave out can be just as important as what you include. That passion and commitment will carry you through hours of practice, but remembering to relax and eat will sustain you ultimately. What you are serving completely depends on who might come and who actually shows up. And inspiration comes from everywhere. Allowing my cooking and yoga to be influenced by all that is happening around means there is a dry spell only by choice. Allowing myself to be constrained by the ingredients and time available, produces creative unexpected results.

Sometimes I am still timid to share these results. Just like I am still hesitant to have friends over for a simple bowl of soup, I am sometimes nervous to offer what I am really practicing in class. The fear is that it won't be enough. And, usually for me, the deeper truer tug is fear of not being loved.

So I am wondering if we might bring B.Y.O.P back again. As a way to share in this process of closing the cookbooks, trusting our own taste buds, believing that we have learned enough techniques to start to venture into the depths. This leap is hard for all of us, so we might as well jump together.

Crisis of an Easy Yoga Teacher

2007-01-24T13:25:00.000-08:00

I understand my job as the offering of the space and opportunity to feel joy and happiness. This job currently manifests in a few different ways. I pay the rent on the yoga studio. I guide groups of people's attention to their breath and hearts as we twist around, turn up and fold over. I share from my depths as much as possible and I work to keep my relationships honest, open and present.

Lulu Bandha's will be 5 years old this March, and accessibility has not always been a guiding principle. When we first opened, I mostly taught strong, rhythmic practices. Generally, challenging, flowier classes are easier to teach 'cuz the people showing up are usually athletic, injury free and have some yoga experience. The work for me was sharing new and fun sequencing to allow for success with difficult postures while still offering room for inward exploration and heart expansion.

But when my husband wanted to start yoga, I had to design a different approach, and so "Stiff White Guy Yoga" was born. And now 3.5 years later, I realize that this class now guides my understanding of the purpose of asana. The sequencing is designed to be accessible and available to as many body types and levels as possible. The pace is slow and drawn out to help insure no one gets lost. Extreme postures no longer show up on the menu, in fact there is very little suggestion that one might even want to "advance."

This has been a comfortable evolution for me with the usual "change-freak-outs" here and there, so I am a little surprised to find myself in a teaching crisis now. Per the request of some of my favorite peeps, I am offering a 6:15am trial run strong practice. The first one was yesterday, and it was a disaster for me. Throughout the practice I was continually wondering what I was doing there, doubting what I was teaching, doubting myself, feeling like a failure.

So I come back to my job description. And I remember that I am also learning how to sink into the possibility of feeling joy and happiness. Learning a lot and doing my best to share the process as a way to connect with others. And right now, just as I was starting to relax into becoming an "Easy Yoga Teacher" an old crusty part of ego reared it's head and convinced me to teach a strong early morning class.

So that's embarrassing. I will probably go with the course of events I have set up and fulfill my agreement to teach at 6:15am Tuesdays and Thursdays thru the end of February. And maybe this experiment will create the space for another yoga teacher to come alive at this time slot as we move into spring. And maybe it will just confirm what I already know, that I like to sleep in and hone the art of easy yoga.

Selling the Yoga

2007-01-18T13:25:00.000-08:00

When I used to sell knives door to door, I learned that it was easier to sell an expensive set of knives to someone who already owned an expensive set of knives. Their belief in and means to afford quality cutlery meant that I was not trying to sell an idea; all I was doing was supporting an idea they already had.

When we were moving to Ojai and people found out that I was a yoga teacher, they would often roll their eyes, and sigh, “There’s a lot of yoga already in Ojai.” Instead of being discouraged, I knew that it meant that my job would be easy. I would not have to sell the concept of doing yoga. I could just offer my style of teaching. And I am grateful to the teachers before me, here now and on their way for developing such a rich yoga community.

But once I started teaching full time, I began to have great difficulty looking through Yoga Journal. I cringed with being associated with their approach to the selling and marketing of yoga. Simultaneously, I would inevitably begin to compare myself to the beautiful models and celebrated teachers. And by the time I put the magazine down, I felt small, unworthy and confused.

I wasn’t getting that they were doing the selling and marketing for me. A recent Yoga Journal survey estimated that 18 million people are practicing yoga in the United States. And approximately 25 million say they will be trying it this year. I am newly thrilled with the rise of more national publications dedicated to promoting the practice of yoga such as Rodale’s YogaLife and FitYoga. Their mainstream fitness oriented approach gives me the freedom to continue to teach in the way I want. Their articles and features help make yoga accessible, opening the door for people that might not have otherwise tried it.

So again, just like when I was 18, and grateful to Wusthof and Henckles for paving the way for me and my serrated Cutco knives, I am so grateful to the big publishers as well as the home grown efforts of YogiTimes and LAYoga. Thank you for spreading the word, doing the work, and allowing us the freedom to just teach our yoga.

Procrastination or Inner Guidance?

2007-01-12T09:08:00.000-08:00

Stefanie Olsen's article, "A Formula for Procrastination," published yesterday on CNET, covers the possibility that procrastination can be reduced to a mathematical equation. She writes:

"University of Calgary professor Piers Steel, a self-described reformed procrastinator, said the act of dillydallying can be boiled down to three human traits: the person's confidence, values and impulsiveness (how susceptible he or she is to immediate delight). Like an economist might, Steel combined those elements to develop a mathematical theory that can define procrastination. His work was published this month in the journal of the American Psychological Association."

I used to think of myself as a procrastinator, and I would use that idea as a way of feeling even more badly about myself than I already did, compounding the workload. In school, I did not know how to write a paper until the day before it was due. Cramming before an exam always worked for me. And I was a master at getting extensions if necessary. But I was not necessarily enjoying myself as Steel suggests up until that moment of production. In fact, I remember working super hard all the time. I just could never force myself to produce until I was ready. This caused incredible agony as I was convinced that I should be different. That I should have been able to stay on top of the work and finish in an orderly way. And to his point, "Getting Organized" was always a New Year's Resolution.

I have the same patterns now. But the practice of yoga has helped me shift my understanding of what is happening. My teacher, Erich Schiffmann, has a talk calls, "Listening for Guidance and the Aerial Perspective" (aka "The Traffic Helicopter") in which he speaks on the problem of making a decision. Essentially, if you have to make a decision, you are not clear. You might not have enough information. The right choice usually feels like the only choice. Now, I allow myself to wait until I am clear and motivated before acting. The hesitation has become a useful feeling in managing my time and efforts. And I continually practice easing the deeply wired sense of anxiety and stress. Because they never really helped get anything done anyway.

When you have your own business, the work is endless. You are never done. The only way to prioritize is to allow yourself to be guided to what you really want to do. And get a lot of help. And if things don't get done, they must not have needed to. And the more I can notice that it all usually works out no matter what I did, the more I trust the inner flow and direction, the easier it is to relax.

Rodney Yee Gets Married

2007-01-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

It's so easy to be skeptical of famous yoga teachers. And Rodney Yee is probably one of the most famous. So about 6 or 7 years ago when gossip started to swirl around his off the mat activities with various ladies, my suspicions were fed.
But then I actually got the chance to study with him once. And I met a vulnerable, open, sensitive, thoughtful beautiful man. He teaches from where is he, who he is and offers the space for you to do the same.
In today's NYT Style Section, his and Colleen Saidman's wedding is reviewed. They openly share their struggle to allow their Love for each other to win over the messy circumstances under which they met and eventually got together.
The wedding section is one of my favorite parts of the Sunday paper. I love the small glmipse into the beginnings of couple's union. The sense of possibility and hope. And today's wedding is extra good.

Reduce Stress and Reduce Potential for Injury

2007-01-04T09:05:00.000-08:00

Check out Sally Wadyka's "Free the Mind and Fewer Injuries May Follow" in the NYT today.
While all the classes at Lulu Bandha's will help ease tension through deepening the breathing, stretching the body, touch and laughter, we have two classes that are specifically designed to stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system and reduce stress. Amy Arani's Sunday afternoon 4:30 Restorative Class and the Green Yin Yoga on Wednesday Nights at 6:45 with me, Kira. Hope to see you there.

The Illusion of Free Will?

2007-01-01T21:29:00.000-08:00

Around the studio lately, we have been talking a lot about feeling into the possibility that anything can happen. So why not see if that's true and follow your heart?

In tomorrow's NYT, Dennis Overbye's "Free Will: Now You Have It, Now You Don't" offers the possibility that we are deluded by the sense of choice due to a pause between when an action occurs in our unconscious and when we are consciously aware of it. The coolest discoveries are being made in the area of brain research and I recommend reading this article.

However, the article decides not to mention the known connections between the brain and the heart. In particular, it has been proven that the brain obeys commands from the heart.
You can read more about this at the Institute of Heart Math: Decoding the Intelligence of the Heart. Or check out this well-written blog entry from Mental Evolution called, "Can Your Heart Think"?

Or you can refer to Sutra 3.35 of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras understood to be published over 2000 years ago: 'hirdaye chitta samvit'. Roughly translates to mean 'perfect concentration on the heart reveals the contents of the mind.'
And maybe by following our heart, we are really just navigating a map mysteriously laid out for us as Overbye suggests, but so far, I am digging the road trip and happy to be in the passenger seat.

Happy New Year!

2006-12-31T22:32:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all of you who showed up tonight to laugh, stretch and sing the new year in together. And again, thank you to Debbie, not only being the inspiration for tonight's class, but for following her heart and by doing so encouraging us to be brave enough to do the same. Happy New Year!

" DE’BELLA — or Debbie, as everybody calls her — decided late in life to become a porn star. This year she turned 50, time, she knew, to chase her dream." (Sunday Styles, NYT)

New Year's Eve and Day Classes

2006-12-30T18:46:00.000-08:00

i realized today that all i really want to do for new years is hang out at the studio and see who shows up. so i added 3 extra classes. might be me teaching all of them, maybe i can get some help from my friends. Hope to see you all there.

Holiday Schedule:

Sunday Evening, December 30
6 to 8pm New Year Eve Practice

Monday, January 1- New Year's Day

6:15am good morning yoga

8:30am morning class as usual.

5:00pm yoga basics as usual